"I Have Failed"

I have failed!

I have failed at being a mother.

I have failed at being a wife.

I have failed at being a daughter.

I have failed at being a friend.

I have failed at my job.

I have failed at....

You fill in the blank.

This is what the devil likes us to focus on.  He wants us to see and focus on the failures.  I have a habit of doing this.  I can point out all my mistakes, shortcomings, missteps, failures.  I can see them all.

And at the end of all that is death.    

And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words,

and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;

Judges 16:16

Death and life are in the power of the tongue:

and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

 Proverbs 18:21
 

It kills your faith in God.  That is what the devil wants.  He wants us to lose faith and give up.

But I know the One who wins the battle.  I know the One who conquered death.  I know the One that loves me.

Choose words of life.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.

Proverbs 25:11

 

 

Next time you start to talk to yourself with hateful words, remind yourself that you are LOVED by God.  That He sees you right where you are.  He is there for you. 

No More Meds.

There are so many things I think about writing; little things I think about, lessons I am learning.  But it seems as though I can't write anything else without first posting this. I have been very nervous about writing this next post.  For lots of reasons, this one seems too personal.  But I feel compelled to tell it since it is part of my story, as it unfolds and as God leads.

When I was first diagnosed with severe depression, I was prescribed Prozac.  At that point in time I felt like I would always and forever need that little pill.  I was worried about not having it and about relapsing into a more severe depression than before.  I was ok with taking a prescription for the rest of my life, if need be.  It worked and it worked amazingly.  Within 2 weeks of starting it, my anxiety was gone.  This was not just me being anxious but a very real debilitating problem.

As I went in to see my doctor after about 6 months of feeling better and seeing the difference that pill made in my life, I wasn't ready to give it up.  I was nervous that I would spiral down that whirlpool of hopelessness once again and that all the progress I had made would be washed down the drain with me.  I asked my doctor to keep me on the antidepressant for at least 6 more months. She wrote the prescription. 

There were many times that I had forgot to take my pill, or had forgotten to refill my prescription, or just plain didn't want to take it.  I would go off of it for a week or so.  I would feel that sadness, the depression sneaking back into my life. I wouldn't feel right.  So, I would get back on them and in the habit of taking them again.

Earlier this year I started to feel this nudge, a still small voice, telling me I was going to be ok.  Over the last year, I had to work on a lot.  There were many battles fought in my head and in my heart. I had to let go of a lot.  I had to see myself and I had to realize that God sees me. 

An antidepressant is supposed to help balance the natural chemicals that are supposed to be in your brain.  They help stabilize your emotions and help you feel really good.  After a while I realized that I had started using my prescription as a cover for things I didn't want to deal with or things I just wanted to feel numb too.  I started to feel numb to a lot of things.

I had started reading my Bible consistently and my relationship with the Lord was growing and I could sense I needed to step out in faith.  I needed to trust the same God that I had trusted all those years ago with the salvation of my soul, to do great and mighty things in this life of mine.  I wanted to go down a new path of trust and faith that I had never known before.

At the end of February my prescription ran out and I didn't refill it.  I didn't tell anyone.  I knew I needed to trust God with my sanity.  I needed to rely on Him and Him alone.  I felt God call me to this.  I don't want to sound weird or crazy, but I can't explain it any other way.

I kept thinking, maybe I should go get my prescription filled, just in case.  And then I would think, where is your faith? 

April, May, June... Those are my hardest months.  Every year since 2011, I have literally lost my mind during this time.  It sucks me in, paralyses me, kicks me while I am down and then spits me out.  Why would God choose to test my faith during this time?  I have one answer.  Because He is God. 

He isn't just testing me but He is proving to me who He is.  He says, "I got this!" and then He is showing me I have the victory in Him.  I am His child.  He loves me!

It took me 6 weeks to talk to anyone about it.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy again.  I started to feel emotions that I hadn't remembered feeling since before 2011.  They were everyday normal feelings.  Feelings you feel and then let go of, don't fret over or feel bad about.  Feelings that didn't control my life.

Do I now have sad days, yes.  Do I let them control me, sometimes.  Do I let them keep me down, NO!  It is a fight.  It takes prayer, It takes trust, It takes God. 

I am learning how to live again.

O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

(I feel I must put this disclaimer in: Do not stop taking meds because you feel like you don't need them.  Please do not just quit cold turkey like I did.  I should have talked to my doctor first, I should have had people keeping an eye out for me.  I do not recommend my actions to anyone and if I had to do it all over again, I would have talked to my doctor.)

Speaking to Students

Something that breaks my heart is that there are children and teens out there thinking they are all alone.  That they have to deal with all their real life problems on their own.  They have no voice.  We need to stand up and show them that we are there, we can be trusted and that we can help.

Recently I got to speak to some high school students about depression and suicide.  As you have read (HERE), depression has been a moving factor in my life.  I am not sure why God would choose it for me or why He would allow it, but I know He has a plan for it.  He has a plan for my story and my lessons learned. I am so grateful for that. 

Just a week before this talk, these students were asked to write down topics that they wanted discussed at their FCA meetings on Thursday afternoons.  Depression and Suicide!  WOW.  There are teenagers struggling with suicide.  There are middle school students struggling with suicide.  There are parents struggling with suicide. 

Reno, NV has had school shootings, middle school girls committing suicide, high school students committing suicide. All in the last few years. 

I shared my story about depression, about my mom's struggle with depression and suicide.  How it all affected me. 

The best part of my story though, GOD!  God gets all the glory. 

Did you know that God loves you!  He really does.  Unconditionally with no strings attached.  He created you, He knows you, He sees you!

Here are some verses that helped me:

"And she called the name of the Lord that spake unto her, Thou God seest me:" Gen 16:13

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: Great is thy faithfulness."
Lam 3:21-23

"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee:" Jer 1:5

"The hairs on our head are numbered." Matt 10:30

"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?" 
Psalms 56:8

"Nor height nor depth nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:39

"God is love." 1 John 4:8

"Ye shall not fear them: for the Lord your God he shall fight for you." Deut 3:22

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:2-5

If you know a teen, are a parent to a teen, are an adult or have a friend that is struggling with depression or suicide, please read this book: What Do I Do When Teenagers are Depressed and Contemplate Suicide? by Dr. Steven Gerali.  You can find it at your local Christian book store or on Amazon HERE.

Fiery Trials

Sometimes you have to go through the fire to see what is waiting for you on the other side...

I don't have all the answers.  I try not to pretend that I do.  And I can't explain why I have never felt closer to God than I do now, after going through those fiery trials, but it's real.

He has revealed so much to me, so much of who I am and even more of who He is.  He is the Creator.

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 1 Peter 4:12-13

As I sit here, I am preparing a message I will be giving to a bunch of teens at North Valley's High School tomorrow.  I will be talking about depression and suicide on the day that Audrey Jade Hope was born into this world. At 6 days old, she went to be with our Lord and Savior.  I get to show these teens that life is worth living for, fighting for...

A great joy enters my heart when thinking about all that God has done. 

Remember this:
Just as Saul was, you also are a chosen vessel.

But the Lord said unto him, Go thy way: for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles, and kings, and the children of Israel: For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake. Acts 9:15-16

 

There is Hope!

I have been contemplating about what I should write for the last few days... Should I go into the past, speak of the future or talk about todays events and where I am on the crazy scale. ;) 

But I am thinking about our teens, the generation coming up next to bat and how much I wish I could help them with their confidence, fears and struggles.

I don't remember so many struggles when I was a teen.  The teen years, while horrific and just plain uncomfortable, were not so dreary that I actually struggled with severe depression or suicidal thoughts. 

Today, our teens face this reality every day.  Either their friend is contemplating suicide or they are or they have a family member dealing with depression and suicide.

It's scary stuff. 

I didn't know until I was older that this was a very real thing in my life.  My mom has suffered from mental illness since childhood.  I did not find out about all the different things she struggled with until I was a wife and mother.  Looking back, I see it. But by God's grace, I was kept from a lot of the reality of the situation when I was younger. 

I had great people that looked out for us (my mom and us 3 girls).  They were a support through love and kindness. 

I want to be that person to so many.  A place of unconditional love. 

If you are struggling with depression or suicide or know someone who is, please reach out.  There is Hope.  There is Healing.  There is a God who loves you.

My Walk with God - Through Depression Part 3

There is a place where we can truly meet God.  It is in the moment we feel we are so alone that no matter if we have a hundred people around us, it would feel as though they were a million miles from where we were at that moment. 

There was a time when I had so much anger and bitterness and hurt inside me that I couldn't think right.  I never thought I could ever get over it.  People had let me down, they had left me alone to deal with this huge thing on my own.  Not knowing that every little comment they said made me feel smaller and less adequate and was just driving those seeds deeper and deeper into my heart.  I would get so angry I would throw things, I would yell, I would cry. 

The hard part was realizing that I really just hated myself. 

This led me to being completely alone.  No person on earth could dig me out of the hole I dug for myself. 

I remember going to a CTDN (California Transplant Donor Network) walk in California in September of 2013.  Just deciding to go was a heart wrenching and an emotional battle.  My sister and her family and my parents and some friends were also making the journey to the bay area for an amazing event.  We were going to finally meet Addison, the little girl who got Audrey's heart.  I would get to do what I have dreamed about for years, photograph the other side of this story.

I was a mess.  I had so much going on in my head. 

I got there, I took photos, I drained myself of all I had left in me.

But it was on my way home that God really spoke. 

He showed me who I was, who I really was. With all the ugliness in my heart. How I allowed my anger to take over and how that seed of bitterness was growing so big that it was choking me.  I couldn't stand to be around myself and thought, no wonder others don't want to be around me either.

He showed me His love.  His cross, His burden to bear. He died for it all, all our sins, our guilt, our shame.  He did it with no expectations.  With His Father's back to Him, He died a criminal's death without ever committing a sin.

That was the day I realized that I cannot hold onto my hurt, my anger or my bitterness any more.  I let it go with tears streaming down my face.  Praying to God to forgive me while releasing the anger and bitterness. Letting it melt away and flow from me. 

I finished my drive home with a new perspective and God's amazing grace on my life.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin. 

My Walk with God - Through Depression Part 2

I have gone through depressing times before.  Being a teenager isn't easy.

I remember having hard times, sometimes I couldn't even recall a single good memory I had as a child.  All I could do was see the negative.  My mom had to sit me down and show me a photo album of me being happy, silly and having fun.  She reminded me of the trips to Disneyland and the trips to my Grandparents house.  This was right before Christmas time.  What is there to be sad about during Christmas?  I have no idea.  I don't know where all the negativity came from.  It quickly faded.

Sometimes we just need a reminder of what reality looks like.

As a depressed person, the reality you have and the reality you think you have get mixed up... Way out of whack! 

After seeing my doctor and having my blood work done, there was nothing physically wrong.  Everything came back great.  Everything that could medically explain what I was going through was ruled out.  The only explanation was that the receptors in my brain were not creating the needed amount of chemicals that my brain needed to function correctly. The term, "It's all in your head," quickly came to mind.  I was so upset that there was no diagnosis that could be proved on paper.  It was just me saying to myself, "You're crazy, go home, take meds and see a therapist." 

It felt like I would be depressed forever.  That it would be this thing that was to great for me.  And it was!

I started taking an antidepressant.  The worst part of my depression was the anxiety I felt.  You really need to be honest and upfront with your doctor so they can help decide what the best medicine for you is.  I never thought I would be on a pill to help me, but it did help, tremendously.

I set up an appointment with a therapist.  This took prayer and wisdom.  I didn't want just anyone, I wanted a person that had an understanding of depression and anxiety and also knew God.  I wanted the person that was going to point to Jesus in a loving way. 

God gave me a great therapist (if your in the Reno/Sparks area, look up Laura McAuliffe).

With medication and seeing a therapist, my anxiety was gone in 2 weeks.  This is not the norm for most people.  I was still depressed but those spinning thoughts that would come and take over my life had stopped.  I was already feeling better and I was so grateful to God that He led me to this decision. 

Seeing my therapist helped me to see God in the midst of my trial and circumstances. She helped me to feel normal and be able to talk about things I had hidden in the deepest parts of me; jealousy, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness, stress, feelings of not being wanted, feelings of hurt and negativity toward myself.  Every session we talked about how I saw God working in my life.  This was a great way to help me focus on Him, to start rebuilding the relationship I had stepped away from. 

Our relationship with God is the most important thing!

My Walk with God - Through Depression part 1

I talk about it a lot, those few months that changed me.  This isn't specifically about that time or the memories that come back so easily, but it is about every day since then.  Finding a new normal, a new life, a new walk. After miscarrying in April of 2011, having my newborn niece pass away in May of 2011 and then my best friend's mother passed away in June of 2011... Life hit and it hit hard.

The Summer of 2011, I was going through the motions and just trying to not loose it! I was numb and didn't feel much.  Summer ended, homeschooling began... Life just seemed to get harder and harder.  I had a short temper, I didn't want to be around people, I was getting more and more negative. The start of depression.

I continued to do everything I was supposed to do.  I stayed in church, I worked in the church. I tried to keep up with reading my Bible.  One thing I stopped doing was pray, really praying and seeking God in an intimate way. I could pray for others. I could hear preaching and listen to God teach me through the messages. But I shut God out of the part of worship that is healing and renews.  I thought if I did this, He wouldn't see how broken and angry I was.

November of 2011 we found out we were pregnant.  I was so happy.  Through the pregnancy I felt good, well, I felt sick, but that was a glorious feeling. Johnny came in July 2012. I fell in love.  He was my world at that point. 

And then it got bad again.  A lot of hardness in my heart.  A lot of bitterness filled me and just grew.

I don't really know when it all got so bad, but by the end, I felt like I was going crazy... Literally - CRAZY!

I remember feeling like nothing I did was good enough, I always had to do more, I always needed to be more.

I didn't want to get out of bed, anything that was hard to do (which was about everything) I just wouldn't do.  I remember thinking, "I am going crazy."  I knew something was wrong, but didn't really connect things. 

I kept it all in.  I didn't really talk about it.  I didn't really know how.  I just told people that I didn't feel right.

This went on through 2013.

The last thing I really remember before seeking help was standing in my laundry room feeling so overwhelmed that all I could do was cry. My house was a mess, laundry needed to be done, photos needed editing, ministries needed doing, bills needed paying, homeschooling needed to get done... And everything had to be done that very minute because if it wasn't, I was failing.  I felt like the world was closing in on me.  Like I couldn't get out of the whirlpool that kept sucking me further and further down while I was drowning in my own despair. 

I would stand there and shout at myself in my mind, "Why can't you just do better, be better.  Get it together Shannon.  You are better than this."  I would beg God to make me better.  Make me what everyone else thought I should be.  "Please God, why am I such a failure," I would ask.

January 2014... I was at such a low point.  Anything anyone did to help me, just showed me how inadequate I was.  How much of a failure I was. 

I did some googling on mental illness.  I looked up a few thing I knew about, but nothing fit.  And then I looked up depression...  I had 9 out of 10 symptoms - Severe Depression.

Here is a journal entry I wrote:

January 22, 2014

Every day is a fight!

I just recognized my crazy behavior is most likely do to the fact I am severely depressed.  Today is an OK day.  I feel OK a lot of days.  More of a numbness going on. More and more I feel people are frustrated by me.  They don't understand me.  I don't really feel they want to.  I don't blame them.  I am not what I used to be.
I fight myself every day.  I can't focus.  I can't think with lots of noise.  I get frustrated easily.  I get overwhelmed very easily.  Doing everyday things is daunting and takes all my energy.
Homeschooling just plain sucks. No one can do the simplest task on their own.  I get nothing done around the house.  When it comes to thing I usually enjoy, I have no desire to do them.
We are supposed to go to a friends house for dinner.  I have no desire to go.  I would prefer to stay at home in my pj's and watch movies.  I don't want to be bothered. I don't wan to do anything that requires me to put on a smile and pretend everything is OK or pretend that I have it all put together.
Most of the feelings and thoughts I have, people will never hear or understand.  I stopped talking to people because I feel it hurts them that I can't just get it together.  I also feel hurt that all the focus has been on me to change.  I don't know how.  I have wished, hoped, pleaded to be different.  Beating myself up has become a normal everyday thing.  I look forward to Shaun coming home.  I just want to be with him.  But I get frustrated with myself because I am not what he deserves.  I am not the person I used to be. 
I do not know how I here.  I do not know if I will ever be the person I used to be.

This was my reality...

I made an appointment with my doctor.