My Walk with God - Through Depression Part 3

There is a place where we can truly meet God.  It is in the moment we feel we are so alone that no matter if we have a hundred people around us, it would feel as though they were a million miles from where we were at that moment. 

There was a time when I had so much anger and bitterness and hurt inside me that I couldn't think right.  I never thought I could ever get over it.  People had let me down, they had left me alone to deal with this huge thing on my own.  Not knowing that every little comment they said made me feel smaller and less adequate and was just driving those seeds deeper and deeper into my heart.  I would get so angry I would throw things, I would yell, I would cry. 

The hard part was realizing that I really just hated myself. 

This led me to being completely alone.  No person on earth could dig me out of the hole I dug for myself. 

I remember going to a CTDN (California Transplant Donor Network) walk in California in September of 2013.  Just deciding to go was a heart wrenching and an emotional battle.  My sister and her family and my parents and some friends were also making the journey to the bay area for an amazing event.  We were going to finally meet Addison, the little girl who got Audrey's heart.  I would get to do what I have dreamed about for years, photograph the other side of this story.

I was a mess.  I had so much going on in my head. 

I got there, I took photos, I drained myself of all I had left in me.

But it was on my way home that God really spoke. 

He showed me who I was, who I really was. With all the ugliness in my heart. How I allowed my anger to take over and how that seed of bitterness was growing so big that it was choking me.  I couldn't stand to be around myself and thought, no wonder others don't want to be around me either.

He showed me His love.  His cross, His burden to bear. He died for it all, all our sins, our guilt, our shame.  He did it with no expectations.  With His Father's back to Him, He died a criminal's death without ever committing a sin.

That was the day I realized that I cannot hold onto my hurt, my anger or my bitterness any more.  I let it go with tears streaming down my face.  Praying to God to forgive me while releasing the anger and bitterness. Letting it melt away and flow from me. 

I finished my drive home with a new perspective and God's amazing grace on my life.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.