I talk about it a lot, those few months that changed me. This isn't specifically about that time or the memories that come back so easily, but it is about every day since then. Finding a new normal, a new life, a new walk. After miscarrying in April of 2011, having my newborn niece pass away in May of 2011 and then my best friend's mother passed away in June of 2011... Life hit and it hit hard.
The Summer of 2011, I was going through the motions and just trying to not loose it! I was numb and didn't feel much. Summer ended, homeschooling began... Life just seemed to get harder and harder. I had a short temper, I didn't want to be around people, I was getting more and more negative. The start of depression.
I continued to do everything I was supposed to do. I stayed in church, I worked in the church. I tried to keep up with reading my Bible. One thing I stopped doing was pray, really praying and seeking God in an intimate way. I could pray for others. I could hear preaching and listen to God teach me through the messages. But I shut God out of the part of worship that is healing and renews. I thought if I did this, He wouldn't see how broken and angry I was.
November of 2011 we found out we were pregnant. I was so happy. Through the pregnancy I felt good, well, I felt sick, but that was a glorious feeling. Johnny came in July 2012. I fell in love. He was my world at that point.
And then it got bad again. A lot of hardness in my heart. A lot of bitterness filled me and just grew.
I don't really know when it all got so bad, but by the end, I felt like I was going crazy... Literally - CRAZY!
I remember feeling like nothing I did was good enough, I always had to do more, I always needed to be more.
I didn't want to get out of bed, anything that was hard to do (which was about everything) I just wouldn't do. I remember thinking, "I am going crazy." I knew something was wrong, but didn't really connect things.
I kept it all in. I didn't really talk about it. I didn't really know how. I just told people that I didn't feel right.
This went on through 2013.
The last thing I really remember before seeking help was standing in my laundry room feeling so overwhelmed that all I could do was cry. My house was a mess, laundry needed to be done, photos needed editing, ministries needed doing, bills needed paying, homeschooling needed to get done... And everything had to be done that very minute because if it wasn't, I was failing. I felt like the world was closing in on me. Like I couldn't get out of the whirlpool that kept sucking me further and further down while I was drowning in my own despair.
I would stand there and shout at myself in my mind, "Why can't you just do better, be better. Get it together Shannon. You are better than this." I would beg God to make me better. Make me what everyone else thought I should be. "Please God, why am I such a failure," I would ask.
January 2014... I was at such a low point. Anything anyone did to help me, just showed me how inadequate I was. How much of a failure I was.
I did some googling on mental illness. I looked up a few thing I knew about, but nothing fit. And then I looked up depression... I had 9 out of 10 symptoms - Severe Depression.
Here is a journal entry I wrote:
January 22, 2014
Every day is a fight!
I just recognized my crazy behavior is most likely do to the fact I am severely depressed. Today is an OK day. I feel OK a lot of days. More of a numbness going on. More and more I feel people are frustrated by me. They don't understand me. I don't really feel they want to. I don't blame them. I am not what I used to be.
I fight myself every day. I can't focus. I can't think with lots of noise. I get frustrated easily. I get overwhelmed very easily. Doing everyday things is daunting and takes all my energy.
Homeschooling just plain sucks. No one can do the simplest task on their own. I get nothing done around the house. When it comes to thing I usually enjoy, I have no desire to do them.
We are supposed to go to a friends house for dinner. I have no desire to go. I would prefer to stay at home in my pj's and watch movies. I don't want to be bothered. I don't wan to do anything that requires me to put on a smile and pretend everything is OK or pretend that I have it all put together.
Most of the feelings and thoughts I have, people will never hear or understand. I stopped talking to people because I feel it hurts them that I can't just get it together. I also feel hurt that all the focus has been on me to change. I don't know how. I have wished, hoped, pleaded to be different. Beating myself up has become a normal everyday thing. I look forward to Shaun coming home. I just want to be with him. But I get frustrated with myself because I am not what he deserves. I am not the person I used to be.
I do not know how I here. I do not know if I will ever be the person I used to be.
This was my reality...
I made an appointment with my doctor.
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