There are so many things I think about writing; little things I think about, lessons I am learning. But it seems as though I can't write anything else without first posting this. I have been very nervous about writing this next post. For lots of reasons, this one seems too personal. But I feel compelled to tell it since it is part of my story, as it unfolds and as God leads.
When I was first diagnosed with severe depression, I was prescribed Prozac. At that point in time I felt like I would always and forever need that little pill. I was worried about not having it and about relapsing into a more severe depression than before. I was ok with taking a prescription for the rest of my life, if need be. It worked and it worked amazingly. Within 2 weeks of starting it, my anxiety was gone. This was not just me being anxious but a very real debilitating problem.
As I went in to see my doctor after about 6 months of feeling better and seeing the difference that pill made in my life, I wasn't ready to give it up. I was nervous that I would spiral down that whirlpool of hopelessness once again and that all the progress I had made would be washed down the drain with me. I asked my doctor to keep me on the antidepressant for at least 6 more months. She wrote the prescription.
There were many times that I had forgot to take my pill, or had forgotten to refill my prescription, or just plain didn't want to take it. I would go off of it for a week or so. I would feel that sadness, the depression sneaking back into my life. I wouldn't feel right. So, I would get back on them and in the habit of taking them again.
Earlier this year I started to feel this nudge, a still small voice, telling me I was going to be ok. Over the last year, I had to work on a lot. There were many battles fought in my head and in my heart. I had to let go of a lot. I had to see myself and I had to realize that God sees me.
An antidepressant is supposed to help balance the natural chemicals that are supposed to be in your brain. They help stabilize your emotions and help you feel really good. After a while I realized that I had started using my prescription as a cover for things I didn't want to deal with or things I just wanted to feel numb too. I started to feel numb to a lot of things.
I had started reading my Bible consistently and my relationship with the Lord was growing and I could sense I needed to step out in faith. I needed to trust the same God that I had trusted all those years ago with the salvation of my soul, to do great and mighty things in this life of mine. I wanted to go down a new path of trust and faith that I had never known before.
At the end of February my prescription ran out and I didn't refill it. I didn't tell anyone. I knew I needed to trust God with my sanity. I needed to rely on Him and Him alone. I felt God call me to this. I don't want to sound weird or crazy, but I can't explain it any other way.
I kept thinking, maybe I should go get my prescription filled, just in case. And then I would think, where is your faith?
April, May, June... Those are my hardest months. Every year since 2011, I have literally lost my mind during this time. It sucks me in, paralyses me, kicks me while I am down and then spits me out. Why would God choose to test my faith during this time? I have one answer. Because He is God.
He isn't just testing me but He is proving to me who He is. He says, "I got this!" and then He is showing me I have the victory in Him. I am His child. He loves me!
It took me 6 weeks to talk to anyone about it. I wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy again. I started to feel emotions that I hadn't remembered feeling since before 2011. They were everyday normal feelings. Feelings you feel and then let go of, don't fret over or feel bad about. Feelings that didn't control my life.
Do I now have sad days, yes. Do I let them control me, sometimes. Do I let them keep me down, NO! It is a fight. It takes prayer, It takes trust, It takes God.
I am learning how to live again.
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.
(I feel I must put this disclaimer in: Do not stop taking meds because you feel like you don't need them. Please do not just quit cold turkey like I did. I should have talked to my doctor first, I should have had people keeping an eye out for me. I do not recommend my actions to anyone and if I had to do it all over again, I would have talked to my doctor.)
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