Saturday Night!

Saturday nights are not normal around this house.  It's always a dash to get things ready for Sunday. It is the Big Push.  There just never seems to be enough time to get everything done during the week.  

My husband's (Shaun) work schedule is different than most.  He has split days off in the middle of the week.  Which is awesome and difficult at the same time.  He has to work weekends.  He usually does his normal 5:00 am - 2:00 pm shift on Saturday.  Then he has to be back at work by 11:30 pm Saturday night so that he can be home in time for us to head to Sunday service at our church.  He works hard.  Heavy lifting, stocking shelves and is on his feet most of his shift.  Saturday nights he sleeps maybe 2-3 hours at the most.  Sometimes he doesn't even get an hour.  He works at Lake Tahoe which is about a 45 minute drive.  

When Shaun gets home, we head to church.  We get there about 9:30 am.  We don't usually leave till 12:00 pm.  We are back at the church at 4:00 pm.  

Sunday is a big deal in this family.  It is something we have made a priority for over 10 years.  For the past few years, we have been in charge of the Sunday Children's program as well as Awana that started last year.  This year, All of our children's programs are on Sundays.  This means, we have a lot to prepare for. 

From the moment he walks through the doors of our home on Sunday morning, to the moment we leave the church that afternoon, he is on fire for God.  He is ready to go.  He is ready to greet people, meet with his workers, serve others. He is always smiling, happy and glad to see you. He doesn't complain. 

Why am I telling you all this, you may ask... 

Whatever your schedule, whatever your situation, it is a decision to serve God. Shaun decided that he wanted to serve God no matter his schedule, no matter if he isn't feeling well that day, even if it is an inconvenience.  Even if it isn't his "regularly scheduled" time slot. 

Am I saying everyone needs to be like Shaun, Not at all. 

But think about this, When you get to Heaven, what will your first response be?  Undoubtedly it will always be, "I wish I had done more."  More of what?  More for God, more telling of our Saviour, more encouraging, more loving, more... Just more!  

The next time you have an opportunity to serve, whether that be during church, in the nursery, in the children's programs, or at community outreach, think, "how can I make this happen" instead of, "how can I get out of this." 

Purpose...

With starting this blog again, I am wondering, what is my purpose? Why do I want to write and share and put myself out there? 

I actually think about this a lot.  It's not like I have droves of people coming to my blog to read the awesome musings of Shannon with witty comments and super great advice.  I don't even think I am good at writing or sharing my thoughts.

You wont see me posting about current public events or about things that are controversial like some popular bloggers.  I am not about the shock factor.

I just hope I am a help. That someone can see what I have posted and know that there is someone that has gone through tough stuff and has seen the faithfulness of God.  Because He is faithful.  He will see you through the tough stuff.  

No More Meds.

There are so many things I think about writing; little things I think about, lessons I am learning.  But it seems as though I can't write anything else without first posting this. I have been very nervous about writing this next post.  For lots of reasons, this one seems too personal.  But I feel compelled to tell it since it is part of my story, as it unfolds and as God leads.

When I was first diagnosed with severe depression, I was prescribed Prozac.  At that point in time I felt like I would always and forever need that little pill.  I was worried about not having it and about relapsing into a more severe depression than before.  I was ok with taking a prescription for the rest of my life, if need be.  It worked and it worked amazingly.  Within 2 weeks of starting it, my anxiety was gone.  This was not just me being anxious but a very real debilitating problem.

As I went in to see my doctor after about 6 months of feeling better and seeing the difference that pill made in my life, I wasn't ready to give it up.  I was nervous that I would spiral down that whirlpool of hopelessness once again and that all the progress I had made would be washed down the drain with me.  I asked my doctor to keep me on the antidepressant for at least 6 more months. She wrote the prescription. 

There were many times that I had forgot to take my pill, or had forgotten to refill my prescription, or just plain didn't want to take it.  I would go off of it for a week or so.  I would feel that sadness, the depression sneaking back into my life. I wouldn't feel right.  So, I would get back on them and in the habit of taking them again.

Earlier this year I started to feel this nudge, a still small voice, telling me I was going to be ok.  Over the last year, I had to work on a lot.  There were many battles fought in my head and in my heart. I had to let go of a lot.  I had to see myself and I had to realize that God sees me. 

An antidepressant is supposed to help balance the natural chemicals that are supposed to be in your brain.  They help stabilize your emotions and help you feel really good.  After a while I realized that I had started using my prescription as a cover for things I didn't want to deal with or things I just wanted to feel numb too.  I started to feel numb to a lot of things.

I had started reading my Bible consistently and my relationship with the Lord was growing and I could sense I needed to step out in faith.  I needed to trust the same God that I had trusted all those years ago with the salvation of my soul, to do great and mighty things in this life of mine.  I wanted to go down a new path of trust and faith that I had never known before.

At the end of February my prescription ran out and I didn't refill it.  I didn't tell anyone.  I knew I needed to trust God with my sanity.  I needed to rely on Him and Him alone.  I felt God call me to this.  I don't want to sound weird or crazy, but I can't explain it any other way.

I kept thinking, maybe I should go get my prescription filled, just in case.  And then I would think, where is your faith? 

April, May, June... Those are my hardest months.  Every year since 2011, I have literally lost my mind during this time.  It sucks me in, paralyses me, kicks me while I am down and then spits me out.  Why would God choose to test my faith during this time?  I have one answer.  Because He is God. 

He isn't just testing me but He is proving to me who He is.  He says, "I got this!" and then He is showing me I have the victory in Him.  I am His child.  He loves me!

It took me 6 weeks to talk to anyone about it.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy again.  I started to feel emotions that I hadn't remembered feeling since before 2011.  They were everyday normal feelings.  Feelings you feel and then let go of, don't fret over or feel bad about.  Feelings that didn't control my life.

Do I now have sad days, yes.  Do I let them control me, sometimes.  Do I let them keep me down, NO!  It is a fight.  It takes prayer, It takes trust, It takes God. 

I am learning how to live again.

O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

(I feel I must put this disclaimer in: Do not stop taking meds because you feel like you don't need them.  Please do not just quit cold turkey like I did.  I should have talked to my doctor first, I should have had people keeping an eye out for me.  I do not recommend my actions to anyone and if I had to do it all over again, I would have talked to my doctor.)

Speaking to Students

Something that breaks my heart is that there are children and teens out there thinking they are all alone.  That they have to deal with all their real life problems on their own.  They have no voice.  We need to stand up and show them that we are there, we can be trusted and that we can help.

Recently I got to speak to some high school students about depression and suicide.  As you have read (HERE), depression has been a moving factor in my life.  I am not sure why God would choose it for me or why He would allow it, but I know He has a plan for it.  He has a plan for my story and my lessons learned. I am so grateful for that. 

Just a week before this talk, these students were asked to write down topics that they wanted discussed at their FCA meetings on Thursday afternoons.  Depression and Suicide!  WOW.  There are teenagers struggling with suicide.  There are middle school students struggling with suicide.  There are parents struggling with suicide. 

Reno, NV has had school shootings, middle school girls committing suicide, high school students committing suicide. All in the last few years. 

I shared my story about depression, about my mom's struggle with depression and suicide.  How it all affected me. 

The best part of my story though, GOD!  God gets all the glory. 

Did you know that God loves you!  He really does.  Unconditionally with no strings attached.  He created you, He knows you, He sees you!

Here are some verses that helped me:

"And she called the name of the Lord that spake unto her, Thou God seest me:" Gen 16:13

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: Great is thy faithfulness."
Lam 3:21-23

"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee:" Jer 1:5

"The hairs on our head are numbered." Matt 10:30

"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?" 
Psalms 56:8

"Nor height nor depth nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:39

"God is love." 1 John 4:8

"Ye shall not fear them: for the Lord your God he shall fight for you." Deut 3:22

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:2-5

If you know a teen, are a parent to a teen, are an adult or have a friend that is struggling with depression or suicide, please read this book: What Do I Do When Teenagers are Depressed and Contemplate Suicide? by Dr. Steven Gerali.  You can find it at your local Christian book store or on Amazon HERE.

My Walk with God - Through Depression Part 2

I have gone through depressing times before.  Being a teenager isn't easy.

I remember having hard times, sometimes I couldn't even recall a single good memory I had as a child.  All I could do was see the negative.  My mom had to sit me down and show me a photo album of me being happy, silly and having fun.  She reminded me of the trips to Disneyland and the trips to my Grandparents house.  This was right before Christmas time.  What is there to be sad about during Christmas?  I have no idea.  I don't know where all the negativity came from.  It quickly faded.

Sometimes we just need a reminder of what reality looks like.

As a depressed person, the reality you have and the reality you think you have get mixed up... Way out of whack! 

After seeing my doctor and having my blood work done, there was nothing physically wrong.  Everything came back great.  Everything that could medically explain what I was going through was ruled out.  The only explanation was that the receptors in my brain were not creating the needed amount of chemicals that my brain needed to function correctly. The term, "It's all in your head," quickly came to mind.  I was so upset that there was no diagnosis that could be proved on paper.  It was just me saying to myself, "You're crazy, go home, take meds and see a therapist." 

It felt like I would be depressed forever.  That it would be this thing that was to great for me.  And it was!

I started taking an antidepressant.  The worst part of my depression was the anxiety I felt.  You really need to be honest and upfront with your doctor so they can help decide what the best medicine for you is.  I never thought I would be on a pill to help me, but it did help, tremendously.

I set up an appointment with a therapist.  This took prayer and wisdom.  I didn't want just anyone, I wanted a person that had an understanding of depression and anxiety and also knew God.  I wanted the person that was going to point to Jesus in a loving way. 

God gave me a great therapist (if your in the Reno/Sparks area, look up Laura McAuliffe).

With medication and seeing a therapist, my anxiety was gone in 2 weeks.  This is not the norm for most people.  I was still depressed but those spinning thoughts that would come and take over my life had stopped.  I was already feeling better and I was so grateful to God that He led me to this decision. 

Seeing my therapist helped me to see God in the midst of my trial and circumstances. She helped me to feel normal and be able to talk about things I had hidden in the deepest parts of me; jealousy, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness, stress, feelings of not being wanted, feelings of hurt and negativity toward myself.  Every session we talked about how I saw God working in my life.  This was a great way to help me focus on Him, to start rebuilding the relationship I had stepped away from. 

Our relationship with God is the most important thing!