What if...

What if God gave us spots?  What if those spots represented our sin? 

What if every time we sinned, God gave us another spot?  

Not just brown spots or black spots, but colorful spots - the kind that can be seen, really seen. 

What would I look like?  What sin is hidden in the depths of my heart that no one else can see?

My sin. My shame. 

The person who is a drunk and can't give up the alcohol.

The person that is constantly lying. 

The person who has hate in their heart and lets the bitterness take over. 

The person who lives a life of sin. 

The person who has had a premarital relationship. 

The person that has gone through multiple marriages. 

The person who says the Lord's name in vain. 

The person who has killed. 

The person who is prideful. 

The person who chooses wrong. 

Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. John 8:1-12

What if God gave us spots?

What would you think of me? 

How would that change us?  

How would we see each other?

How would we treat each other?

Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: 1 Peter 3:8

God is Love - God is Life

I have been on the side of praying for a miracle.  I have sat at the hospital begging God to heal.  I have been there to see that my will is not always the will of the Father. 

His Grace is sufficient. 

And now, I find myself on the other side of praying for a miracle. 

How do you pray for a miracle for one person hoping another said yes to organ donation?  

My heart aches for both families in this situation. 

One must give their life to give life to another in these situations.  

Join me in prayer for these families.  Both need to be wrapped in the Father's love. 

Russel Bouydston - In need of Liver - #1 on the transplant list.

Donor - God's grace and love

The Families - Peace

"I Have Failed"

I have failed!

I have failed at being a mother.

I have failed at being a wife.

I have failed at being a daughter.

I have failed at being a friend.

I have failed at my job.

I have failed at....

You fill in the blank.

This is what the devil likes us to focus on.  He wants us to see and focus on the failures.  I have a habit of doing this.  I can point out all my mistakes, shortcomings, missteps, failures.  I can see them all.

And at the end of all that is death.    

And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words,

and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;

Judges 16:16

Death and life are in the power of the tongue:

and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

 Proverbs 18:21
 

It kills your faith in God.  That is what the devil wants.  He wants us to lose faith and give up.

But I know the One who wins the battle.  I know the One who conquered death.  I know the One that loves me.

Choose words of life.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.

Proverbs 25:11

 

 

Next time you start to talk to yourself with hateful words, remind yourself that you are LOVED by God.  That He sees you right where you are.  He is there for you. 

Are you anxious?

Sometimes life seems to crazy to keep up with.  And that is when anxiety can set in.  Since I am prone to anxiety, I have been trying to keep things in perspective.

Here is a list of things we are doing/planning:

Planning the Awana Awards Night, next years club year, Junior Camp, my visit to Florida to see a friend, hubby and wife vacation, end of school year is here, Thomas' birthday party, Golf lessons, and training for a 5K (Soon to be a blog post)... with all the "normal" stuff in there too.  This is all stuff that is happening in the next 6 weeks. 

With all this going on, I can get a bit flustered and can take it out on the people I love.  One of my severe side effects of depression was anxiety.  I can get worked up over nothing.

Here are a few things I am doing to keep my anxiety at bay:

1. Make time to read your Bible.  (I am not always best at this, but I am actively working on it.)  I can see such a difference when I make time to read my Bible and pray.  I need to seek God, on a more personal level, every day.

2. Exercise!  This one is so beneficial for me.  Any time I feel overwhelmed or stretched thin, I go running or do a workout video.  This helps me to clear my head and also work off that anxiety in a productive way.  After a good workout, I feel a sense of calm come over me and my brain is then able to focus on the task at hand.

3. Prioritize.  I like to make a list of things that need to be done.  Organize that list and put the most important thing on top. The stuff that can wait, will wait and I am ok with that.

4. Relax.  I always thought that everything had to be done right then or I failed.  Or I would wait till the last minute to do things (I am still a procrastinator, but again, I am working on that).  But I choose to not freak out about things.  I refuse too. Do everything you can, when you can.

One of my biggest fears since getting off my antidepressant has been for my anxiety to come back.  Dealing with real life is also dealing with anxiety.  But a lot of what I have learned is that we can control a lot of the anxiety we deal with.  I can stop procrastinating.  I can control my thoughts.  I can pray when something is not under my control and ask God to give me peace. He will and He does.

Philippians 4:6-7
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

My Life Belongs To The Master

Have you ever thought, "What if my life were different?" "What if I didn't go through that?" "Why couldn't I just grow up in a godly home?"

There are so many questions we could ask, or wishes we could make.  "Why me" questions.  "If only" wishes.

But if we believe in an almighty God, those questions are invalid.  They really are.

Looking back at my life, all the good and the bad or the unfair or hurtful, I wouldn't change any of it. Not one thing.  Nothing.

My life belongs to the Master.  To my Creator.  To my God.  To my Saviour. 

Do I believe He caused the bad, the ugly, the unfair or the hurtful?  No. 

But I believe He has used it to create His masterpiece.  He is not done with me.  He is still molding and sculpting me. 

I can see His hand in my life every step of the way and I am thankful for that.

Can you say that?  That no matter what painful circumstances or health issues or life hurts come your way that you will trust Him with the outcome.  That He is your life's Master. 

But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand. Isaiah 64:8.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

He has a purpose for your life, your hurt, your struggle. 

Look to Him.  Say, "I don't understand this, but I trust you and I have faith!"

No More Meds.

There are so many things I think about writing; little things I think about, lessons I am learning.  But it seems as though I can't write anything else without first posting this. I have been very nervous about writing this next post.  For lots of reasons, this one seems too personal.  But I feel compelled to tell it since it is part of my story, as it unfolds and as God leads.

When I was first diagnosed with severe depression, I was prescribed Prozac.  At that point in time I felt like I would always and forever need that little pill.  I was worried about not having it and about relapsing into a more severe depression than before.  I was ok with taking a prescription for the rest of my life, if need be.  It worked and it worked amazingly.  Within 2 weeks of starting it, my anxiety was gone.  This was not just me being anxious but a very real debilitating problem.

As I went in to see my doctor after about 6 months of feeling better and seeing the difference that pill made in my life, I wasn't ready to give it up.  I was nervous that I would spiral down that whirlpool of hopelessness once again and that all the progress I had made would be washed down the drain with me.  I asked my doctor to keep me on the antidepressant for at least 6 more months. She wrote the prescription. 

There were many times that I had forgot to take my pill, or had forgotten to refill my prescription, or just plain didn't want to take it.  I would go off of it for a week or so.  I would feel that sadness, the depression sneaking back into my life. I wouldn't feel right.  So, I would get back on them and in the habit of taking them again.

Earlier this year I started to feel this nudge, a still small voice, telling me I was going to be ok.  Over the last year, I had to work on a lot.  There were many battles fought in my head and in my heart. I had to let go of a lot.  I had to see myself and I had to realize that God sees me. 

An antidepressant is supposed to help balance the natural chemicals that are supposed to be in your brain.  They help stabilize your emotions and help you feel really good.  After a while I realized that I had started using my prescription as a cover for things I didn't want to deal with or things I just wanted to feel numb too.  I started to feel numb to a lot of things.

I had started reading my Bible consistently and my relationship with the Lord was growing and I could sense I needed to step out in faith.  I needed to trust the same God that I had trusted all those years ago with the salvation of my soul, to do great and mighty things in this life of mine.  I wanted to go down a new path of trust and faith that I had never known before.

At the end of February my prescription ran out and I didn't refill it.  I didn't tell anyone.  I knew I needed to trust God with my sanity.  I needed to rely on Him and Him alone.  I felt God call me to this.  I don't want to sound weird or crazy, but I can't explain it any other way.

I kept thinking, maybe I should go get my prescription filled, just in case.  And then I would think, where is your faith? 

April, May, June... Those are my hardest months.  Every year since 2011, I have literally lost my mind during this time.  It sucks me in, paralyses me, kicks me while I am down and then spits me out.  Why would God choose to test my faith during this time?  I have one answer.  Because He is God. 

He isn't just testing me but He is proving to me who He is.  He says, "I got this!" and then He is showing me I have the victory in Him.  I am His child.  He loves me!

It took me 6 weeks to talk to anyone about it.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy again.  I started to feel emotions that I hadn't remembered feeling since before 2011.  They were everyday normal feelings.  Feelings you feel and then let go of, don't fret over or feel bad about.  Feelings that didn't control my life.

Do I now have sad days, yes.  Do I let them control me, sometimes.  Do I let them keep me down, NO!  It is a fight.  It takes prayer, It takes trust, It takes God. 

I am learning how to live again.

O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

(I feel I must put this disclaimer in: Do not stop taking meds because you feel like you don't need them.  Please do not just quit cold turkey like I did.  I should have talked to my doctor first, I should have had people keeping an eye out for me.  I do not recommend my actions to anyone and if I had to do it all over again, I would have talked to my doctor.)

There is Hope!

I have been contemplating about what I should write for the last few days... Should I go into the past, speak of the future or talk about todays events and where I am on the crazy scale. ;) 

But I am thinking about our teens, the generation coming up next to bat and how much I wish I could help them with their confidence, fears and struggles.

I don't remember so many struggles when I was a teen.  The teen years, while horrific and just plain uncomfortable, were not so dreary that I actually struggled with severe depression or suicidal thoughts. 

Today, our teens face this reality every day.  Either their friend is contemplating suicide or they are or they have a family member dealing with depression and suicide.

It's scary stuff. 

I didn't know until I was older that this was a very real thing in my life.  My mom has suffered from mental illness since childhood.  I did not find out about all the different things she struggled with until I was a wife and mother.  Looking back, I see it. But by God's grace, I was kept from a lot of the reality of the situation when I was younger. 

I had great people that looked out for us (my mom and us 3 girls).  They were a support through love and kindness. 

I want to be that person to so many.  A place of unconditional love. 

If you are struggling with depression or suicide or know someone who is, please reach out.  There is Hope.  There is Healing.  There is a God who loves you.