Saturday Night!

Saturday nights are not normal around this house.  It's always a dash to get things ready for Sunday. It is the Big Push.  There just never seems to be enough time to get everything done during the week.  

My husband's (Shaun) work schedule is different than most.  He has split days off in the middle of the week.  Which is awesome and difficult at the same time.  He has to work weekends.  He usually does his normal 5:00 am - 2:00 pm shift on Saturday.  Then he has to be back at work by 11:30 pm Saturday night so that he can be home in time for us to head to Sunday service at our church.  He works hard.  Heavy lifting, stocking shelves and is on his feet most of his shift.  Saturday nights he sleeps maybe 2-3 hours at the most.  Sometimes he doesn't even get an hour.  He works at Lake Tahoe which is about a 45 minute drive.  

When Shaun gets home, we head to church.  We get there about 9:30 am.  We don't usually leave till 12:00 pm.  We are back at the church at 4:00 pm.  

Sunday is a big deal in this family.  It is something we have made a priority for over 10 years.  For the past few years, we have been in charge of the Sunday Children's program as well as Awana that started last year.  This year, All of our children's programs are on Sundays.  This means, we have a lot to prepare for. 

From the moment he walks through the doors of our home on Sunday morning, to the moment we leave the church that afternoon, he is on fire for God.  He is ready to go.  He is ready to greet people, meet with his workers, serve others. He is always smiling, happy and glad to see you. He doesn't complain. 

Why am I telling you all this, you may ask... 

Whatever your schedule, whatever your situation, it is a decision to serve God. Shaun decided that he wanted to serve God no matter his schedule, no matter if he isn't feeling well that day, even if it is an inconvenience.  Even if it isn't his "regularly scheduled" time slot. 

Am I saying everyone needs to be like Shaun, Not at all. 

But think about this, When you get to Heaven, what will your first response be?  Undoubtedly it will always be, "I wish I had done more."  More of what?  More for God, more telling of our Saviour, more encouraging, more loving, more... Just more!  

The next time you have an opportunity to serve, whether that be during church, in the nursery, in the children's programs, or at community outreach, think, "how can I make this happen" instead of, "how can I get out of this." 

Trusting God Through A Child's Struggles

We all know that children are a gift from God. 

Psalm 127:3 "Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward."

We know they are not ours, but sometimes it is so difficult to make that a reality in our lives.  Our kids are precious.  And as mother's, we take ownership of them.  Any time they hurt, we hurt.  Every time they struggle, we struggle.  We have been through the tough stuff of growing up.  We want to take that burden from them.  But we can't.  And that's tough. 

We can feel that any struggles or obstacles they face are due to our failings as a parent.

The last few months have been especially hard to deal with.  The burden my heart feels when it comes to my kids is growing.  They are growing up in a world that is no longer God fearing. As a parent, I cannot take these burdens or these choices away from my child.  Just as I have learned and grown from my obstacles, choices, testings, trials, I have to allow my child to learn to let God work in their lives through the same.

We need to put our trust in the Lord.  He is the only one that can help our children deal with the obstacles of life.

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

Our job is to train them, guide them, love them, discipline them.  AND PRAY for them.

Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Deut. 30:6 "And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live."

Deut. 11:18-23 "Therefore shall ye lay up these My Words in your heart and in your soul, and bind Them for a sign upon your hand, that They may be as frontlets between your eyes. And ye shall teach Them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt write them upon the door posts of thine house, and upon thy gates: That your days may be multiplied, and the days of your children, in the land which the LORD sware unto your fathers to give them, as the days of Heaven upon the earth. For if ye shall diligently keep all these Commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways, and to cleave unto Him; Then will the LORD drive out all these nations from before you, and ye shall possess greater nations and mightier than yourselves."

I feel a very real struggle right now in this parenting area.  Thomas has struggled for many years now. School has been the main area we have seen the struggle.  Being a home school mom, I just figured it was me.  That I just didn't hack it.  But now that he is in public school and he isn't doing so well, I am left to wonder what is going on.  He seems to be getting further behind and is less motivated to even try.  

We are going through testing and evaluations now.  As a mom, I just want to fix it.  I want to take this burden from him.  I hate to see him struggle.  I hate to see him look down on himself. But I cannot do that.  God is teaching us and him.  He is trying to do a work in our lives and we must let him do that work. 

Serve!

Serving in the Church... It is what God intended for us to do.  There is just something about serving that makes my day feel so much more accomplished. 

Today I got to pass out invites to church.  This is just one way we can serve.  But it brings great joy to my heart when I know I am pleasing my Lord.  

Why serve, you may ask.  Here are a few things I have been thinking of: 

1. It gets our minds off our own struggles.  For that short time of serving this morning, it helped me see Gods bigger picture.  I have been struggling lately, but God is good and He will see me through.  I just have to do what He tells me to do and that is to serve. 

2.  It brings us together.  Sometimes we get so busy in our every day life that we get a skewed sense of what is really going on.  It is nice to connect with others and chat and hear about other peoples lives.  It is not all about "me." 

3.  It reminds us of who we serve!  God the Creator decided to let us be His mouth and His feet.  We get to be that representation of who God is.  He is love.  How can we be a follower of Him if we don't serve.  We have a great opportunity to spread the gospel.  We need to take that opportunity.  

Tomorrow is Sunday.  We all have an opportunity to let God work through us.  Lets be everything He created us to be.  Serve Him by serving others. 

Grace and Mercy

Driving home from southern California we planned to drive up the coast, see all the beautiful sites, but most of the way was frustrating and irritating.  We hit traffic, not just because of everyday traffic issues, but because of people making bad decisions.  And then you have the gawkers.  Those that have to stop to stare at everything everyone else is doing.  

Grace and Mercy came to mind.  What I really wanted to do was scream out the window, honk my horn, and throw a fit.  Well, the last one, I kind of did in my head and at times out loud to Shaun.

¹grace

 noun \ˈgrās\

: a way of moving that is smooth and attractive and that is not stiff or awkward

: a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving

graces : skills that are needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations

Full Definition of GRACE

1a :  unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b :  a virtue coming from God

c :  a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

mercy

 noun mer·cy \ˈmər-sē\

: kind or forgiving treatment of someone who could be treated harshly

: kindness or help given to people who are in a very bad or desperate situation

: a good or lucky fact or situation

plural mercies

Full Definition of MERCY

1a :  compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power;also :  lenient or compassionate treatment <begged for mercy>

b :  imprisonment rather than death imposed as penalty for first-degree murder

2a :  a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion

b :  a fortunate circumstance <it was a mercy they found her before she froze>

3:  compassionate treatment of those in distress <works of mercy among the poor>

With Relationships, We need to keep these two things on the forefront of our minds and hearts.  We all crave to have mercy and grace shown to us but feel justified when we get hurt to not show these to others.

John 1:14 And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth.

James 4:6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Psalm 86:5 For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee.

Psalm 145:9  The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.

Luke 6:36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

Ephesians 2:4 But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us,

In these days of busyness of life, the devil sure likes to make us get frustrated and mad at each other. He likes to see the differences divide us and take us out of the Lords work.  We have to keep these things in mind in order to keep going forward for the cause of Christ.

It is our choice to give grace and mercy, even if that person doesn't deserve it.  We did nothing to deserve God's love.  He proved His love on the cross for us and gave us grace and mercy.  We need to extend those to others even if they don't ask for it.  

What if...

What if God gave us spots?  What if those spots represented our sin? 

What if every time we sinned, God gave us another spot?  

Not just brown spots or black spots, but colorful spots - the kind that can be seen, really seen. 

What would I look like?  What sin is hidden in the depths of my heart that no one else can see?

My sin. My shame. 

The person who is a drunk and can't give up the alcohol.

The person that is constantly lying. 

The person who has hate in their heart and lets the bitterness take over. 

The person who lives a life of sin. 

The person who has had a premarital relationship. 

The person that has gone through multiple marriages. 

The person who says the Lord's name in vain. 

The person who has killed. 

The person who is prideful. 

The person who chooses wrong. 

Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. John 8:1-12

What if God gave us spots?

What would you think of me? 

How would that change us?  

How would we see each other?

How would we treat each other?

Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: 1 Peter 3:8

God is Love - God is Life

I have been on the side of praying for a miracle.  I have sat at the hospital begging God to heal.  I have been there to see that my will is not always the will of the Father. 

His Grace is sufficient. 

And now, I find myself on the other side of praying for a miracle. 

How do you pray for a miracle for one person hoping another said yes to organ donation?  

My heart aches for both families in this situation. 

One must give their life to give life to another in these situations.  

Join me in prayer for these families.  Both need to be wrapped in the Father's love. 

Russel Bouydston - In need of Liver - #1 on the transplant list.

Donor - God's grace and love

The Families - Peace

"I Have Failed"

I have failed!

I have failed at being a mother.

I have failed at being a wife.

I have failed at being a daughter.

I have failed at being a friend.

I have failed at my job.

I have failed at....

You fill in the blank.

This is what the devil likes us to focus on.  He wants us to see and focus on the failures.  I have a habit of doing this.  I can point out all my mistakes, shortcomings, missteps, failures.  I can see them all.

And at the end of all that is death.    

And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words,

and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;

Judges 16:16

Death and life are in the power of the tongue:

and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

 Proverbs 18:21
 

It kills your faith in God.  That is what the devil wants.  He wants us to lose faith and give up.

But I know the One who wins the battle.  I know the One who conquered death.  I know the One that loves me.

Choose words of life.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.

Proverbs 25:11

 

 

Next time you start to talk to yourself with hateful words, remind yourself that you are LOVED by God.  That He sees you right where you are.  He is there for you. 

What I learned from getting shin splints - Ladies Connection Class Lesson.

What I learned from getting Shin Splints.

Have you ever had to go through a time of testing? A time of trying to succeed at something and every corner you turn, you find an obstacle? (Ladies Share) (for me- Photography business)

My Goal: Run (jog) a 5K

I have never been a  runner.  I have always stopped when things got tough, to painful or I just got bored.

Isn't that how we are with God?

When things get tough or painful, we throw in the towel?

Maybe when the Bible becomes boring, we just stop reading? (telling on myself)

Through training, I have had times of testing.  Have you ever had shin splints? Or maybe an injury that kept you from a goal? (raise of hands)

-At times in our lives God calls us to run through the pain. 

               

-Sometimes the pain is necessary  for us to grow- Just as your muscles hurt when you start exercising or  push yourself to new heights, God does the same. Change! Change is always hard.  No one likes change. It is uncomfortable and sometimes it hurts. When you want to make changes to your body or your habits or your life, you will feel the uncomfortable pain of change.  I was in pain for 3 days after I did my first workout - I couldn't even make it down the two steps outside my house.  I realized I had muscles that I never knew I had.

               

- I have to run through the pain when I want to give up. I wanted to just stop when I felt the burning pain in my shins. It was like my legs were on fire. I have to trust that God will take care of me through the pain I am going through.  (There is a time to take a break and then there is a time when you have to continue to work through the pain.) 

-At times the pain is there to show us that we are doing something wrong.

               

- Sometimes God says, slow down and we don't listen.  Sometimes our body's will tell us we are doing too much too soon.  (I am a go getter.  I go all out.  No holding back.  I am invincible! But then  I can hurt myself and by doing that I take myself out of the race.) 

                

- Sometimes we are just using the wrong gear!  A runners worst mistake is wearing the wrong shoe.  If you do not take care of your feet, you cannot run. You will hurt your feet, it goes to your shins, your knees,  your hips, your back.  It gets bad quick. When we decide to rely on ourselves and not on God, we are using the wrong gear in our spiritual lives. 

Hebrews 12:1 - Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset [us], and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

Matthew 11:28-30 - Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

As I ran through the pain, I was asking God for strength and I was praising Him every time I got through it.  Just as I did while running, I should be doing the same thing every day of my life.  Thanking Him and praising Him. 

Are you anxious?

Sometimes life seems to crazy to keep up with.  And that is when anxiety can set in.  Since I am prone to anxiety, I have been trying to keep things in perspective.

Here is a list of things we are doing/planning:

Planning the Awana Awards Night, next years club year, Junior Camp, my visit to Florida to see a friend, hubby and wife vacation, end of school year is here, Thomas' birthday party, Golf lessons, and training for a 5K (Soon to be a blog post)... with all the "normal" stuff in there too.  This is all stuff that is happening in the next 6 weeks. 

With all this going on, I can get a bit flustered and can take it out on the people I love.  One of my severe side effects of depression was anxiety.  I can get worked up over nothing.

Here are a few things I am doing to keep my anxiety at bay:

1. Make time to read your Bible.  (I am not always best at this, but I am actively working on it.)  I can see such a difference when I make time to read my Bible and pray.  I need to seek God, on a more personal level, every day.

2. Exercise!  This one is so beneficial for me.  Any time I feel overwhelmed or stretched thin, I go running or do a workout video.  This helps me to clear my head and also work off that anxiety in a productive way.  After a good workout, I feel a sense of calm come over me and my brain is then able to focus on the task at hand.

3. Prioritize.  I like to make a list of things that need to be done.  Organize that list and put the most important thing on top. The stuff that can wait, will wait and I am ok with that.

4. Relax.  I always thought that everything had to be done right then or I failed.  Or I would wait till the last minute to do things (I am still a procrastinator, but again, I am working on that).  But I choose to not freak out about things.  I refuse too. Do everything you can, when you can.

One of my biggest fears since getting off my antidepressant has been for my anxiety to come back.  Dealing with real life is also dealing with anxiety.  But a lot of what I have learned is that we can control a lot of the anxiety we deal with.  I can stop procrastinating.  I can control my thoughts.  I can pray when something is not under my control and ask God to give me peace. He will and He does.

Philippians 4:6-7
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Purpose...

With starting this blog again, I am wondering, what is my purpose? Why do I want to write and share and put myself out there? 

I actually think about this a lot.  It's not like I have droves of people coming to my blog to read the awesome musings of Shannon with witty comments and super great advice.  I don't even think I am good at writing or sharing my thoughts.

You wont see me posting about current public events or about things that are controversial like some popular bloggers.  I am not about the shock factor.

I just hope I am a help. That someone can see what I have posted and know that there is someone that has gone through tough stuff and has seen the faithfulness of God.  Because He is faithful.  He will see you through the tough stuff.  

My Life Belongs To The Master

Have you ever thought, "What if my life were different?" "What if I didn't go through that?" "Why couldn't I just grow up in a godly home?"

There are so many questions we could ask, or wishes we could make.  "Why me" questions.  "If only" wishes.

But if we believe in an almighty God, those questions are invalid.  They really are.

Looking back at my life, all the good and the bad or the unfair or hurtful, I wouldn't change any of it. Not one thing.  Nothing.

My life belongs to the Master.  To my Creator.  To my God.  To my Saviour. 

Do I believe He caused the bad, the ugly, the unfair or the hurtful?  No. 

But I believe He has used it to create His masterpiece.  He is not done with me.  He is still molding and sculpting me. 

I can see His hand in my life every step of the way and I am thankful for that.

Can you say that?  That no matter what painful circumstances or health issues or life hurts come your way that you will trust Him with the outcome.  That He is your life's Master. 

But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand. Isaiah 64:8.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

He has a purpose for your life, your hurt, your struggle. 

Look to Him.  Say, "I don't understand this, but I trust you and I have faith!"

No More Meds.

There are so many things I think about writing; little things I think about, lessons I am learning.  But it seems as though I can't write anything else without first posting this. I have been very nervous about writing this next post.  For lots of reasons, this one seems too personal.  But I feel compelled to tell it since it is part of my story, as it unfolds and as God leads.

When I was first diagnosed with severe depression, I was prescribed Prozac.  At that point in time I felt like I would always and forever need that little pill.  I was worried about not having it and about relapsing into a more severe depression than before.  I was ok with taking a prescription for the rest of my life, if need be.  It worked and it worked amazingly.  Within 2 weeks of starting it, my anxiety was gone.  This was not just me being anxious but a very real debilitating problem.

As I went in to see my doctor after about 6 months of feeling better and seeing the difference that pill made in my life, I wasn't ready to give it up.  I was nervous that I would spiral down that whirlpool of hopelessness once again and that all the progress I had made would be washed down the drain with me.  I asked my doctor to keep me on the antidepressant for at least 6 more months. She wrote the prescription. 

There were many times that I had forgot to take my pill, or had forgotten to refill my prescription, or just plain didn't want to take it.  I would go off of it for a week or so.  I would feel that sadness, the depression sneaking back into my life. I wouldn't feel right.  So, I would get back on them and in the habit of taking them again.

Earlier this year I started to feel this nudge, a still small voice, telling me I was going to be ok.  Over the last year, I had to work on a lot.  There were many battles fought in my head and in my heart. I had to let go of a lot.  I had to see myself and I had to realize that God sees me. 

An antidepressant is supposed to help balance the natural chemicals that are supposed to be in your brain.  They help stabilize your emotions and help you feel really good.  After a while I realized that I had started using my prescription as a cover for things I didn't want to deal with or things I just wanted to feel numb too.  I started to feel numb to a lot of things.

I had started reading my Bible consistently and my relationship with the Lord was growing and I could sense I needed to step out in faith.  I needed to trust the same God that I had trusted all those years ago with the salvation of my soul, to do great and mighty things in this life of mine.  I wanted to go down a new path of trust and faith that I had never known before.

At the end of February my prescription ran out and I didn't refill it.  I didn't tell anyone.  I knew I needed to trust God with my sanity.  I needed to rely on Him and Him alone.  I felt God call me to this.  I don't want to sound weird or crazy, but I can't explain it any other way.

I kept thinking, maybe I should go get my prescription filled, just in case.  And then I would think, where is your faith? 

April, May, June... Those are my hardest months.  Every year since 2011, I have literally lost my mind during this time.  It sucks me in, paralyses me, kicks me while I am down and then spits me out.  Why would God choose to test my faith during this time?  I have one answer.  Because He is God. 

He isn't just testing me but He is proving to me who He is.  He says, "I got this!" and then He is showing me I have the victory in Him.  I am His child.  He loves me!

It took me 6 weeks to talk to anyone about it.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't going crazy again.  I started to feel emotions that I hadn't remembered feeling since before 2011.  They were everyday normal feelings.  Feelings you feel and then let go of, don't fret over or feel bad about.  Feelings that didn't control my life.

Do I now have sad days, yes.  Do I let them control me, sometimes.  Do I let them keep me down, NO!  It is a fight.  It takes prayer, It takes trust, It takes God. 

I am learning how to live again.

O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

(I feel I must put this disclaimer in: Do not stop taking meds because you feel like you don't need them.  Please do not just quit cold turkey like I did.  I should have talked to my doctor first, I should have had people keeping an eye out for me.  I do not recommend my actions to anyone and if I had to do it all over again, I would have talked to my doctor.)

Speaking to Students

Something that breaks my heart is that there are children and teens out there thinking they are all alone.  That they have to deal with all their real life problems on their own.  They have no voice.  We need to stand up and show them that we are there, we can be trusted and that we can help.

Recently I got to speak to some high school students about depression and suicide.  As you have read (HERE), depression has been a moving factor in my life.  I am not sure why God would choose it for me or why He would allow it, but I know He has a plan for it.  He has a plan for my story and my lessons learned. I am so grateful for that. 

Just a week before this talk, these students were asked to write down topics that they wanted discussed at their FCA meetings on Thursday afternoons.  Depression and Suicide!  WOW.  There are teenagers struggling with suicide.  There are middle school students struggling with suicide.  There are parents struggling with suicide. 

Reno, NV has had school shootings, middle school girls committing suicide, high school students committing suicide. All in the last few years. 

I shared my story about depression, about my mom's struggle with depression and suicide.  How it all affected me. 

The best part of my story though, GOD!  God gets all the glory. 

Did you know that God loves you!  He really does.  Unconditionally with no strings attached.  He created you, He knows you, He sees you!

Here are some verses that helped me:

"And she called the name of the Lord that spake unto her, Thou God seest me:" Gen 16:13

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: Great is thy faithfulness."
Lam 3:21-23

"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee:" Jer 1:5

"The hairs on our head are numbered." Matt 10:30

"Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?" 
Psalms 56:8

"Nor height nor depth nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:39

"God is love." 1 John 4:8

"Ye shall not fear them: for the Lord your God he shall fight for you." Deut 3:22

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." James 1:2-5

If you know a teen, are a parent to a teen, are an adult or have a friend that is struggling with depression or suicide, please read this book: What Do I Do When Teenagers are Depressed and Contemplate Suicide? by Dr. Steven Gerali.  You can find it at your local Christian book store or on Amazon HERE.

Anti-Social

Some days, you just really don't want to be "bothered" by others.  Not that people are a bother, but you just don't want to put that smile on, like there isn't anything going on but in reality, everything is going on and you just don't want to have to show face. 

Sunday, the entire day, I was like that.  It was my fault.  And I will tell you why.

We all have stories that define our lives.  They are so instrumental in shaping the way we do things and the way we think about things. 

One of those stories, was for me a life event.  Audrey Jade Hope.  My niece.  You can read her story here.

What does that have to do with my bad day, you may ask.  Well, four years ago on May 3rd, I was living this story.  And yes, it is still hard to think about and remember every detail of my life at this time so many years ago. 

But it wasn't me that brought these thoughts into my head.  It was a TV show.  I watched as a father was in a car accident because he had a brain aneurism and eventually went brain dead and then became an organ donor...

Yes, I cried through the TV program and then I stayed up way to late that night trying to see what happens next...   Bad choice on my part.  Netflix can suck you in and keep you there for a while.

So, that just reminded me about what had happened a few years ago. 

That leads me to my next thing.

Just because someone is having a bad day and they are anti social that day, doesn't mean that they are mad at you or upset at you or they don't want to be around you. 

QTIP: Quit Taking It Personal.  (BTW: I am talking to myself.  I have a bad habit of thinking the world revolves around me.  I also can read people well and automatically assume that I caused whatever issue they have. Most of the time, that is not true. QTIP!)

Sometimes, you just need time inside your head to process.  I needed to process feelings, that really had no business coming out of my mouth. 

It was very fitting that Pastor preached a message on "Wanna Get Away," and on that day, Yes, Yes I did.

Fiery Trials

Sometimes you have to go through the fire to see what is waiting for you on the other side...

I don't have all the answers.  I try not to pretend that I do.  And I can't explain why I have never felt closer to God than I do now, after going through those fiery trials, but it's real.

He has revealed so much to me, so much of who I am and even more of who He is.  He is the Creator.

Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 1 Peter 4:12-13

As I sit here, I am preparing a message I will be giving to a bunch of teens at North Valley's High School tomorrow.  I will be talking about depression and suicide on the day that Audrey Jade Hope was born into this world. At 6 days old, she went to be with our Lord and Savior.  I get to show these teens that life is worth living for, fighting for...

A great joy enters my heart when thinking about all that God has done. 

Remember this:
Just as Saul was, you also are a chosen vessel.

But the Lord said unto him, Go thy way: for he is a chosen vessel unto me, to bear my name before the Gentiles, and kings, and the children of Israel: For I will shew him how great things he must suffer for my name's sake. Acts 9:15-16

 

There is Hope!

I have been contemplating about what I should write for the last few days... Should I go into the past, speak of the future or talk about todays events and where I am on the crazy scale. ;) 

But I am thinking about our teens, the generation coming up next to bat and how much I wish I could help them with their confidence, fears and struggles.

I don't remember so many struggles when I was a teen.  The teen years, while horrific and just plain uncomfortable, were not so dreary that I actually struggled with severe depression or suicidal thoughts. 

Today, our teens face this reality every day.  Either their friend is contemplating suicide or they are or they have a family member dealing with depression and suicide.

It's scary stuff. 

I didn't know until I was older that this was a very real thing in my life.  My mom has suffered from mental illness since childhood.  I did not find out about all the different things she struggled with until I was a wife and mother.  Looking back, I see it. But by God's grace, I was kept from a lot of the reality of the situation when I was younger. 

I had great people that looked out for us (my mom and us 3 girls).  They were a support through love and kindness. 

I want to be that person to so many.  A place of unconditional love. 

If you are struggling with depression or suicide or know someone who is, please reach out.  There is Hope.  There is Healing.  There is a God who loves you.

My Walk with God - Through Depression Part 3

There is a place where we can truly meet God.  It is in the moment we feel we are so alone that no matter if we have a hundred people around us, it would feel as though they were a million miles from where we were at that moment. 

There was a time when I had so much anger and bitterness and hurt inside me that I couldn't think right.  I never thought I could ever get over it.  People had let me down, they had left me alone to deal with this huge thing on my own.  Not knowing that every little comment they said made me feel smaller and less adequate and was just driving those seeds deeper and deeper into my heart.  I would get so angry I would throw things, I would yell, I would cry. 

The hard part was realizing that I really just hated myself. 

This led me to being completely alone.  No person on earth could dig me out of the hole I dug for myself. 

I remember going to a CTDN (California Transplant Donor Network) walk in California in September of 2013.  Just deciding to go was a heart wrenching and an emotional battle.  My sister and her family and my parents and some friends were also making the journey to the bay area for an amazing event.  We were going to finally meet Addison, the little girl who got Audrey's heart.  I would get to do what I have dreamed about for years, photograph the other side of this story.

I was a mess.  I had so much going on in my head. 

I got there, I took photos, I drained myself of all I had left in me.

But it was on my way home that God really spoke. 

He showed me who I was, who I really was. With all the ugliness in my heart. How I allowed my anger to take over and how that seed of bitterness was growing so big that it was choking me.  I couldn't stand to be around myself and thought, no wonder others don't want to be around me either.

He showed me His love.  His cross, His burden to bear. He died for it all, all our sins, our guilt, our shame.  He did it with no expectations.  With His Father's back to Him, He died a criminal's death without ever committing a sin.

That was the day I realized that I cannot hold onto my hurt, my anger or my bitterness any more.  I let it go with tears streaming down my face.  Praying to God to forgive me while releasing the anger and bitterness. Letting it melt away and flow from me. 

I finished my drive home with a new perspective and God's amazing grace on my life.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin. 

Blogging Again!

Blogging again after a 2 year hiatus is a bit nerve wracking.  I have changed in so many ways over those years. I have so many new perspectives.  It makes me nervous to blog about things.  Once they are on the internet, you really can't take them back. 

I really have been feeling God gently nudging me to write.  I love to write but as a child I always had horrible spelling (so awesome to have auto correct) and I was never praised for my writing ability.  So, writing is challenging.  I am also not that great in expressing myself so that others can understand where my true heart is. 

I have thought about blogging and writing a lot the last few months, especially when I really feel so much better about the mental place I am in.  I see how much God has grown my trust in Him and I see things more clearly. 

So, all that to say, I just want to help.  I want to help those that feel there is something just not right, they aren't sure where God is in the midst of their trial. They may not see the amazing God who loves them and they need someone to say, "God sees you!"  He is there for you.  He is in the midst with you!

I am a very open person (sometimes to my detriment).  If you have questions, ask them.

My Walk with God - Through Depression Part 2

I have gone through depressing times before.  Being a teenager isn't easy.

I remember having hard times, sometimes I couldn't even recall a single good memory I had as a child.  All I could do was see the negative.  My mom had to sit me down and show me a photo album of me being happy, silly and having fun.  She reminded me of the trips to Disneyland and the trips to my Grandparents house.  This was right before Christmas time.  What is there to be sad about during Christmas?  I have no idea.  I don't know where all the negativity came from.  It quickly faded.

Sometimes we just need a reminder of what reality looks like.

As a depressed person, the reality you have and the reality you think you have get mixed up... Way out of whack! 

After seeing my doctor and having my blood work done, there was nothing physically wrong.  Everything came back great.  Everything that could medically explain what I was going through was ruled out.  The only explanation was that the receptors in my brain were not creating the needed amount of chemicals that my brain needed to function correctly. The term, "It's all in your head," quickly came to mind.  I was so upset that there was no diagnosis that could be proved on paper.  It was just me saying to myself, "You're crazy, go home, take meds and see a therapist." 

It felt like I would be depressed forever.  That it would be this thing that was to great for me.  And it was!

I started taking an antidepressant.  The worst part of my depression was the anxiety I felt.  You really need to be honest and upfront with your doctor so they can help decide what the best medicine for you is.  I never thought I would be on a pill to help me, but it did help, tremendously.

I set up an appointment with a therapist.  This took prayer and wisdom.  I didn't want just anyone, I wanted a person that had an understanding of depression and anxiety and also knew God.  I wanted the person that was going to point to Jesus in a loving way. 

God gave me a great therapist (if your in the Reno/Sparks area, look up Laura McAuliffe).

With medication and seeing a therapist, my anxiety was gone in 2 weeks.  This is not the norm for most people.  I was still depressed but those spinning thoughts that would come and take over my life had stopped.  I was already feeling better and I was so grateful to God that He led me to this decision. 

Seeing my therapist helped me to see God in the midst of my trial and circumstances. She helped me to feel normal and be able to talk about things I had hidden in the deepest parts of me; jealousy, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness, stress, feelings of not being wanted, feelings of hurt and negativity toward myself.  Every session we talked about how I saw God working in my life.  This was a great way to help me focus on Him, to start rebuilding the relationship I had stepped away from. 

Our relationship with God is the most important thing!

My Walk with God - Through Depression part 1

I talk about it a lot, those few months that changed me.  This isn't specifically about that time or the memories that come back so easily, but it is about every day since then.  Finding a new normal, a new life, a new walk. After miscarrying in April of 2011, having my newborn niece pass away in May of 2011 and then my best friend's mother passed away in June of 2011... Life hit and it hit hard.

The Summer of 2011, I was going through the motions and just trying to not loose it! I was numb and didn't feel much.  Summer ended, homeschooling began... Life just seemed to get harder and harder.  I had a short temper, I didn't want to be around people, I was getting more and more negative. The start of depression.

I continued to do everything I was supposed to do.  I stayed in church, I worked in the church. I tried to keep up with reading my Bible.  One thing I stopped doing was pray, really praying and seeking God in an intimate way. I could pray for others. I could hear preaching and listen to God teach me through the messages. But I shut God out of the part of worship that is healing and renews.  I thought if I did this, He wouldn't see how broken and angry I was.

November of 2011 we found out we were pregnant.  I was so happy.  Through the pregnancy I felt good, well, I felt sick, but that was a glorious feeling. Johnny came in July 2012. I fell in love.  He was my world at that point. 

And then it got bad again.  A lot of hardness in my heart.  A lot of bitterness filled me and just grew.

I don't really know when it all got so bad, but by the end, I felt like I was going crazy... Literally - CRAZY!

I remember feeling like nothing I did was good enough, I always had to do more, I always needed to be more.

I didn't want to get out of bed, anything that was hard to do (which was about everything) I just wouldn't do.  I remember thinking, "I am going crazy."  I knew something was wrong, but didn't really connect things. 

I kept it all in.  I didn't really talk about it.  I didn't really know how.  I just told people that I didn't feel right.

This went on through 2013.

The last thing I really remember before seeking help was standing in my laundry room feeling so overwhelmed that all I could do was cry. My house was a mess, laundry needed to be done, photos needed editing, ministries needed doing, bills needed paying, homeschooling needed to get done... And everything had to be done that very minute because if it wasn't, I was failing.  I felt like the world was closing in on me.  Like I couldn't get out of the whirlpool that kept sucking me further and further down while I was drowning in my own despair. 

I would stand there and shout at myself in my mind, "Why can't you just do better, be better.  Get it together Shannon.  You are better than this."  I would beg God to make me better.  Make me what everyone else thought I should be.  "Please God, why am I such a failure," I would ask.

January 2014... I was at such a low point.  Anything anyone did to help me, just showed me how inadequate I was.  How much of a failure I was. 

I did some googling on mental illness.  I looked up a few thing I knew about, but nothing fit.  And then I looked up depression...  I had 9 out of 10 symptoms - Severe Depression.

Here is a journal entry I wrote:

January 22, 2014

Every day is a fight!

I just recognized my crazy behavior is most likely do to the fact I am severely depressed.  Today is an OK day.  I feel OK a lot of days.  More of a numbness going on. More and more I feel people are frustrated by me.  They don't understand me.  I don't really feel they want to.  I don't blame them.  I am not what I used to be.
I fight myself every day.  I can't focus.  I can't think with lots of noise.  I get frustrated easily.  I get overwhelmed very easily.  Doing everyday things is daunting and takes all my energy.
Homeschooling just plain sucks. No one can do the simplest task on their own.  I get nothing done around the house.  When it comes to thing I usually enjoy, I have no desire to do them.
We are supposed to go to a friends house for dinner.  I have no desire to go.  I would prefer to stay at home in my pj's and watch movies.  I don't want to be bothered. I don't wan to do anything that requires me to put on a smile and pretend everything is OK or pretend that I have it all put together.
Most of the feelings and thoughts I have, people will never hear or understand.  I stopped talking to people because I feel it hurts them that I can't just get it together.  I also feel hurt that all the focus has been on me to change.  I don't know how.  I have wished, hoped, pleaded to be different.  Beating myself up has become a normal everyday thing.  I look forward to Shaun coming home.  I just want to be with him.  But I get frustrated with myself because I am not what he deserves.  I am not the person I used to be. 
I do not know how I here.  I do not know if I will ever be the person I used to be.

This was my reality...

I made an appointment with my doctor.