There is Hope!

I have been contemplating about what I should write for the last few days... Should I go into the past, speak of the future or talk about todays events and where I am on the crazy scale. ;) 

But I am thinking about our teens, the generation coming up next to bat and how much I wish I could help them with their confidence, fears and struggles.

I don't remember so many struggles when I was a teen.  The teen years, while horrific and just plain uncomfortable, were not so dreary that I actually struggled with severe depression or suicidal thoughts. 

Today, our teens face this reality every day.  Either their friend is contemplating suicide or they are or they have a family member dealing with depression and suicide.

It's scary stuff. 

I didn't know until I was older that this was a very real thing in my life.  My mom has suffered from mental illness since childhood.  I did not find out about all the different things she struggled with until I was a wife and mother.  Looking back, I see it. But by God's grace, I was kept from a lot of the reality of the situation when I was younger. 

I had great people that looked out for us (my mom and us 3 girls).  They were a support through love and kindness. 

I want to be that person to so many.  A place of unconditional love. 

If you are struggling with depression or suicide or know someone who is, please reach out.  There is Hope.  There is Healing.  There is a God who loves you.

My Walk with God - Through Depression Part 3

There is a place where we can truly meet God.  It is in the moment we feel we are so alone that no matter if we have a hundred people around us, it would feel as though they were a million miles from where we were at that moment. 

There was a time when I had so much anger and bitterness and hurt inside me that I couldn't think right.  I never thought I could ever get over it.  People had let me down, they had left me alone to deal with this huge thing on my own.  Not knowing that every little comment they said made me feel smaller and less adequate and was just driving those seeds deeper and deeper into my heart.  I would get so angry I would throw things, I would yell, I would cry. 

The hard part was realizing that I really just hated myself. 

This led me to being completely alone.  No person on earth could dig me out of the hole I dug for myself. 

I remember going to a CTDN (California Transplant Donor Network) walk in California in September of 2013.  Just deciding to go was a heart wrenching and an emotional battle.  My sister and her family and my parents and some friends were also making the journey to the bay area for an amazing event.  We were going to finally meet Addison, the little girl who got Audrey's heart.  I would get to do what I have dreamed about for years, photograph the other side of this story.

I was a mess.  I had so much going on in my head. 

I got there, I took photos, I drained myself of all I had left in me.

But it was on my way home that God really spoke. 

He showed me who I was, who I really was. With all the ugliness in my heart. How I allowed my anger to take over and how that seed of bitterness was growing so big that it was choking me.  I couldn't stand to be around myself and thought, no wonder others don't want to be around me either.

He showed me His love.  His cross, His burden to bear. He died for it all, all our sins, our guilt, our shame.  He did it with no expectations.  With His Father's back to Him, He died a criminal's death without ever committing a sin.

That was the day I realized that I cannot hold onto my hurt, my anger or my bitterness any more.  I let it go with tears streaming down my face.  Praying to God to forgive me while releasing the anger and bitterness. Letting it melt away and flow from me. 

I finished my drive home with a new perspective and God's amazing grace on my life.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin. 

Blogging Again!

Blogging again after a 2 year hiatus is a bit nerve wracking.  I have changed in so many ways over those years. I have so many new perspectives.  It makes me nervous to blog about things.  Once they are on the internet, you really can't take them back. 

I really have been feeling God gently nudging me to write.  I love to write but as a child I always had horrible spelling (so awesome to have auto correct) and I was never praised for my writing ability.  So, writing is challenging.  I am also not that great in expressing myself so that others can understand where my true heart is. 

I have thought about blogging and writing a lot the last few months, especially when I really feel so much better about the mental place I am in.  I see how much God has grown my trust in Him and I see things more clearly. 

So, all that to say, I just want to help.  I want to help those that feel there is something just not right, they aren't sure where God is in the midst of their trial. They may not see the amazing God who loves them and they need someone to say, "God sees you!"  He is there for you.  He is in the midst with you!

I am a very open person (sometimes to my detriment).  If you have questions, ask them.

My Walk with God - Through Depression Part 2

I have gone through depressing times before.  Being a teenager isn't easy.

I remember having hard times, sometimes I couldn't even recall a single good memory I had as a child.  All I could do was see the negative.  My mom had to sit me down and show me a photo album of me being happy, silly and having fun.  She reminded me of the trips to Disneyland and the trips to my Grandparents house.  This was right before Christmas time.  What is there to be sad about during Christmas?  I have no idea.  I don't know where all the negativity came from.  It quickly faded.

Sometimes we just need a reminder of what reality looks like.

As a depressed person, the reality you have and the reality you think you have get mixed up... Way out of whack! 

After seeing my doctor and having my blood work done, there was nothing physically wrong.  Everything came back great.  Everything that could medically explain what I was going through was ruled out.  The only explanation was that the receptors in my brain were not creating the needed amount of chemicals that my brain needed to function correctly. The term, "It's all in your head," quickly came to mind.  I was so upset that there was no diagnosis that could be proved on paper.  It was just me saying to myself, "You're crazy, go home, take meds and see a therapist." 

It felt like I would be depressed forever.  That it would be this thing that was to great for me.  And it was!

I started taking an antidepressant.  The worst part of my depression was the anxiety I felt.  You really need to be honest and upfront with your doctor so they can help decide what the best medicine for you is.  I never thought I would be on a pill to help me, but it did help, tremendously.

I set up an appointment with a therapist.  This took prayer and wisdom.  I didn't want just anyone, I wanted a person that had an understanding of depression and anxiety and also knew God.  I wanted the person that was going to point to Jesus in a loving way. 

God gave me a great therapist (if your in the Reno/Sparks area, look up Laura McAuliffe).

With medication and seeing a therapist, my anxiety was gone in 2 weeks.  This is not the norm for most people.  I was still depressed but those spinning thoughts that would come and take over my life had stopped.  I was already feeling better and I was so grateful to God that He led me to this decision. 

Seeing my therapist helped me to see God in the midst of my trial and circumstances. She helped me to feel normal and be able to talk about things I had hidden in the deepest parts of me; jealousy, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness, stress, feelings of not being wanted, feelings of hurt and negativity toward myself.  Every session we talked about how I saw God working in my life.  This was a great way to help me focus on Him, to start rebuilding the relationship I had stepped away from. 

Our relationship with God is the most important thing!

My Walk with God - Through Depression part 1

I talk about it a lot, those few months that changed me.  This isn't specifically about that time or the memories that come back so easily, but it is about every day since then.  Finding a new normal, a new life, a new walk. After miscarrying in April of 2011, having my newborn niece pass away in May of 2011 and then my best friend's mother passed away in June of 2011... Life hit and it hit hard.

The Summer of 2011, I was going through the motions and just trying to not loose it! I was numb and didn't feel much.  Summer ended, homeschooling began... Life just seemed to get harder and harder.  I had a short temper, I didn't want to be around people, I was getting more and more negative. The start of depression.

I continued to do everything I was supposed to do.  I stayed in church, I worked in the church. I tried to keep up with reading my Bible.  One thing I stopped doing was pray, really praying and seeking God in an intimate way. I could pray for others. I could hear preaching and listen to God teach me through the messages. But I shut God out of the part of worship that is healing and renews.  I thought if I did this, He wouldn't see how broken and angry I was.

November of 2011 we found out we were pregnant.  I was so happy.  Through the pregnancy I felt good, well, I felt sick, but that was a glorious feeling. Johnny came in July 2012. I fell in love.  He was my world at that point. 

And then it got bad again.  A lot of hardness in my heart.  A lot of bitterness filled me and just grew.

I don't really know when it all got so bad, but by the end, I felt like I was going crazy... Literally - CRAZY!

I remember feeling like nothing I did was good enough, I always had to do more, I always needed to be more.

I didn't want to get out of bed, anything that was hard to do (which was about everything) I just wouldn't do.  I remember thinking, "I am going crazy."  I knew something was wrong, but didn't really connect things. 

I kept it all in.  I didn't really talk about it.  I didn't really know how.  I just told people that I didn't feel right.

This went on through 2013.

The last thing I really remember before seeking help was standing in my laundry room feeling so overwhelmed that all I could do was cry. My house was a mess, laundry needed to be done, photos needed editing, ministries needed doing, bills needed paying, homeschooling needed to get done... And everything had to be done that very minute because if it wasn't, I was failing.  I felt like the world was closing in on me.  Like I couldn't get out of the whirlpool that kept sucking me further and further down while I was drowning in my own despair. 

I would stand there and shout at myself in my mind, "Why can't you just do better, be better.  Get it together Shannon.  You are better than this."  I would beg God to make me better.  Make me what everyone else thought I should be.  "Please God, why am I such a failure," I would ask.

January 2014... I was at such a low point.  Anything anyone did to help me, just showed me how inadequate I was.  How much of a failure I was. 

I did some googling on mental illness.  I looked up a few thing I knew about, but nothing fit.  And then I looked up depression...  I had 9 out of 10 symptoms - Severe Depression.

Here is a journal entry I wrote:

January 22, 2014

Every day is a fight!

I just recognized my crazy behavior is most likely do to the fact I am severely depressed.  Today is an OK day.  I feel OK a lot of days.  More of a numbness going on. More and more I feel people are frustrated by me.  They don't understand me.  I don't really feel they want to.  I don't blame them.  I am not what I used to be.
I fight myself every day.  I can't focus.  I can't think with lots of noise.  I get frustrated easily.  I get overwhelmed very easily.  Doing everyday things is daunting and takes all my energy.
Homeschooling just plain sucks. No one can do the simplest task on their own.  I get nothing done around the house.  When it comes to thing I usually enjoy, I have no desire to do them.
We are supposed to go to a friends house for dinner.  I have no desire to go.  I would prefer to stay at home in my pj's and watch movies.  I don't want to be bothered. I don't wan to do anything that requires me to put on a smile and pretend everything is OK or pretend that I have it all put together.
Most of the feelings and thoughts I have, people will never hear or understand.  I stopped talking to people because I feel it hurts them that I can't just get it together.  I also feel hurt that all the focus has been on me to change.  I don't know how.  I have wished, hoped, pleaded to be different.  Beating myself up has become a normal everyday thing.  I look forward to Shaun coming home.  I just want to be with him.  But I get frustrated with myself because I am not what he deserves.  I am not the person I used to be. 
I do not know how I here.  I do not know if I will ever be the person I used to be.

This was my reality...

I made an appointment with my doctor.