Reading and Contemplating

I have been reading these books trying to gain a better understanding of what I went through emotionally and physically.  In doing so, it has brought up many feelings from last year.  They are not as emotionally charged, but I have found myself waking up a bit sad some days.  I have had dreams and thoughts running through my head for the past week or so.  I have turned inward and also seeking God to help me understand.  I am so glad that I have some answers about grief and about the human body that I did not know before reading these books.  I also feel a bit better about how to handle these feelings in the future.  

There are so many things about the human body and system that would help us to understand why we feel certain things when loss happens (especially unexpected loss).  It amazes me that God gives our bodies so many tools to use and a lot of time, we decide we know better and overlook what our bodies are trying to tell us.  

I want to help those who have been through the loss of a baby whether it be of miscarriage, still birth or after baby has arrived.  I also want to help the people who have never experienced this type of loss to be able to know how to help the people you love through this loss.  

I want to start out with some facts.  The doctors estimate that there is a 1 in 4 chance of a pregnancy ending in loss whether in the first, second or third trimester.  Your statistics go up depending on age, previous miscarriage or even genetics. But overall the number is 1 in 4.  The number may even be higher when you take into account all the unreported miscarriages.  75% of the loss of pregnancy happens in the first trimester (within the first 12 weeks of a pregnancy).  In the Foreword of the book Empty Arms, Arnold L. Peterson II, M.D., P.C. writes, "Between 15% to 25% of all human conceptions do not successfully complete the twentieth week of pregnancy. More lives are lost in the first twenty weeks of pregnancy than are accumulatively lost in the next sixty-five years of life. Neither disease nor accident has claimed such a large percentage."

I think this is amazing that we lose more life in pregnancy than anything else, but yet it is still treated as something women should just get over and move on. 

Some things I have learned from watching myself go through my miscarriage:
I did not give myself time to grieve.  I felt like I should just get over it because I have 2 little ones at home.  I should feel blessed for what I have and not feel the feelings and emotions of losing a baby to miscarriage.  I WAS WRONG!
As a woman, you feel connected to your baby even before you get a positive on a pregnancy test.  Your body starts to change and your hormones start to change.  Your entire being is changing all at once.  When you lose that pregnancy your physical body has to change and your emotions have to make an adjustment too.  Your hopes and dreams and excitement all come crashing to the floor.  


I can go back to that day very easily.  It was scary and emotional and I was still trying to hold on to some hope but I just knew... I knew that it wasn't going to happen. I was not going to carry this baby, to hold it or to be able to watch him/her grow up.


I will leave you with this...
I have hope.  I serve a loving God.  I will be able to see my baby again. :)  That is a true joy of knowing for sure you have a home in Heaven. 


I have tons more to share but for now, that is a good place to start.

Knowledge is Power!

 I have been really thinking about all the loss I had last year. A lot of it is coming up on the one year anniversaries.  I really do not want to go back down the path of depression and not enjoy the gifts God has given me to enjoy this year. :)  So I have started reading a few books on miscarriage, loss and grief. And wow... I really wish I would have read them back when all this was going on. :(  I feel that I am missing some healing that should have already taken place.  Christmas time was especially difficult.  I should have had a new little one and a new niece to love on through the Christmas season and they were not there and also missing Marilyn.
I really have a desire to share what I have learned in this journey. I do not want this pain and suffering to go without reward of helping others.  I do not believe God would allow this unless I was able to help those that will go through the same thing or have already gone through it.  I think so many of us are silent in our grief and silent in our loss because people just don't understand what is going on.  We are ashamed that we cannot just move on.  But should we just move on, I do not think so.  I really feel that there should be more openness in our pain.  We need to feel ok to grieve in the way that God has intended.  I am reminded of Jesus when Lazarus died. He knew He was going to raise him from the dead and still the Bible tells us "Jesus wept. Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!"  John 11:35,36.  Amazing to me how God would weep over something He knew would be a miracle in the end.
So, here are some of the books I have started to read and have found great comfort and understanding in these words already.  I also have some other books I am going to read.  I really want to be a help and not have all that God has allowed in my life to not be used for His honor and glory.  He has allowed it and has given me the strength through Him to help others.
Empty Arms: Emotional Support for Those Who have Suffered Miscarriage or Stillbirth by Pam W. Vredevelt (She is a Pastor's wife and a professional counselor at Christian Counseling Services. She has her Master's degree in communications.  She suffered the loss of her first baby at 5 months pregnant)  She also has other grief books on Amazon.
Healing Your Grieving Body: 100 Physical Practices for Mourners By Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D. and Kirby J. Duvall, M.D.  ( I just started this one but they also have some other ones as well.  I am going to look at getting Healing a Friend's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Helping Someone You Love Through Loss  (this one will help me be able to help my sister and mom through their grief.  My mom is still having a really hard time with my nieces death which happened in her home and she is the one that started CPR. Brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it still).
The other book I am going to get is Free to Grieve.  I am not sure who the author is.  I am going to borrow it from my sister and some other books.  I will let you all know about them when I get them. :)
My next few posts are going to be highlights of what I am learning.  I think it is important to share the knowledge we gain.  

Attitude problems, Anyone?

In the past week or so I have been dealing with attitude problems... my own attitude problems.  Thankfulness was replaced by expectation and  entitlement.  For some reason I got it in my head that I deserved more.  I got that idea from reading other peoples perspectives on things.  Them saying that "you deserve more!"  And also from letting myself get upset about how I felt others viewed me or should view me.

I do need to say that God has a way of getting your attention when you are not having the right attitude and especially if you are starting to feel entitled.  He had to speak to me about my attitude problem this past week.  

A few things I learned on my journey...

First, We are not entitled to or deserving of anything.  Period.  Everything we have is a gift from God.  He allows us to be able to do so much, but it's not because we are entitled or deserving.  It's because He is good and loving. 

Second, We do not need to share our feelings right away.  I think it is important to share your feelings with the people you feel hurt by, but we do not need to do this irrationally or while we have anger in our heart.  I was angry at the time I shared my feelings and I regretted it right away. 

Third, I took a look at myself and didn't like what I saw.  I really don't like thinking that way of myself... I like to think I am right all the time. LOL!  Ask my hubby, I am not right even half of the time.  I had a reality check and felt horrible for my actions and for letting my "feelings" rule me. 

Fourth, I went to God.  The best thing to do when you are having a bad attitude is go to God with your bad self.  Complain to God and then ask for forgiveness. Ask for guidance and ask for the right feelings and attitude.  Side Note: When you feel hurt, starting with this one is always best.  It puts the right perspective on your feelings and attitude instead of going through a process of feeling like a dum-dum and then regret.  


So, I am trying to start again, with the right attitude and the right perspective on things.  I want God to guide me and yet most times I turn on the by-pass and skip over the One that can help me with loving care. 


Psalm 51:10  Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
 

Shut UP!

Ok... So first off I have to say I hate those words up there, "shut up!"  Growing up, we were not allowed to say them.  It was just something we were not to do.  But really... Sometimes I wish my brain would just shut up!  Sometimes I wish my feelings would just shut up! Sometimes I wish my mouth would just shut up!  

I had to just go with this post for today because sometimes I just need to SHUT UP! 

Friendship...

So... I have been thinking of friends lately.  I am just so grateful for my friends.  I have been blessed with the best of friends.  I believe God puts the people we are to help and love into our lives for His purpose.  But I also believe that we can allow the wrong people into our lives and they can drag us down or even take us out.  


My hubby is teaching the teens about relationships and friendships.  I think this is such an important thing to learn about as young people.  Even kids should learn this important lesson.  Our friendships are very important in building us for the right future spouse and also will either help or hinder our relationship with God (the most important relationship we can ever have).  


I have not always felt the love of friendship as I do today.  Especially in high school.  I remember spending many lunches by myself and feeling out of place and unwanted.  I was very shy and would not put myself out there to make many friends.  Most times I felt unworthy or a burden to people.  I can sometimes go back to this place and feel the same way now even though I know it isn't true.  


I was talking with a friend about friendships and how we can sometimes feel left out or if someone new coming into a group of ladies will overshadow us.  I think this is an attack from the devil.  I really do.  What is a better way to get contention and strife into a church?  Through the women of the church.  If the women find themselves fighting with each other and contending for "position" or "responsibility" then he has a hold of those women.  The devil can plant seeds of doubt and hurt which will turn into backbiting and strife.  Then we can take that home, give it to our husbands and the cycle will then take over the men of the church.  Wow!  We can be so manipulated.

When I think about friendships, I think of honesty, politeness, love, kindness, openness and being yourself.  


Here are a few verses that I found about friendship:

Pro 27:6  Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.


Pro 19:6  Many will intreat the favour of the prince: and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts. 


Pro 17:17  A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. 


Pro 27:17  Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. 

 Pro 18:24  A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.


When I was going through the verses on friendships I thought of Job.  His friends were not the nicest and were not really loving to him.  When Job lost everything his friends accused him of not being right with God and then his wife, the woman that was supposed to stand by him and love him and be his best friend said he should curse God and die.  Wow.  How can we fight this battle in our own lives?  


We learn from Job that we cannot put all our trust and faith in the friends we have on this earth.  We are all sinful and human and can hurt each other.  Sometimes we are too sensitive and take things out of context or sometimes we loose friends that we thought we would have forever.  We can even be hurt and disappointed by the one that is supposed to be there, our husband or wife.  We need to be fast to forgive when it doesn't seam like our friends are being friendly.  We all make mistakes and I know I have made my fair share of hurtful mistakes in my friendships (not meaning too or just out of dumbness).  I would hope that my friends would give me the same forgiveness back.


But there is One that wont ever let us down.  He wont ever leave us or take us astray.  The Bible says He "is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."  
The Bible also says this:
Mic 7:5-8  Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom.  For the son dishonoureth the father, the daughter riseth up against her mother, the daughter in law against her mother in law; a man's enemies are the men of his own house.  Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.  Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD shall be a light unto me.


Our friendships are very important.  I love having friends that love the Lord and want to serve Him.  It is something that brings us closer together and keeps us growing strong.  But something we forget too often is who should be our best friend... Jesus.  


For my friends: I love you guys!  You're amazing women and I am so glad to have you in my life. :)  God has blessed me above all measure with you ladies.

CHOCOLATE!

So, This is what I want... LOL!  Look at the yumminess!  I have been on a chocolate craze the last week.  I just have to share this because it is the newest creation from Baskin Robins.  I think I will need to make a stop sometime soon.  I am really trying to keep my good streak going but I really, really, really want it.  HAHA!  Maybe I will see if Shaun will take me on a date next week. :)

The goodness of God

I needed to share how God has been working on my heart and showing me how much He loves me.  I know I post a lot about last year, but the blessing are so much coming to pass... I am so grateful.  Last month at our monthly Ladies Bible Study at Sierra View I was able and blessed to give my testimony.  Most of what I talked about were my emotions, feeling, struggles and everything else from last year.  I had a lot that needed to be shared because I had bottled it up for so long.  Sometimes you don't really know how you feel till it is coming to a close and you actually go through it all.  I was coming to terms with last year over Christmas.  It was a hard time. 

But after sharing all of this with such wonderful ladies, I have been experiencing something amazing.  God has been showing me how He worked through it all.  I had to come to the realization that no matter what hurt and heartache came from last year, I would rather have gone through it than it never have happen in my life.  I would have still carried that precious baby even though I would never hold him or her in my arms.  I would have still been there at Audrey's birth and death and at the hospital for those 4 long days even knowing we would not be seeing her again.  I would still have been there through Marilyn's battle with cancer, her being so sick she couldn't walk and then sitting next to her while she took her last breath.  Then planning and helping with the funerals that come after death.  

I would still have gone through it all just to know I was carrying a precious life within me.  

I would still have gone through it all just to hold Audrey only 3 times in her short lived life. 


I would still have gone through it all to know Marilyn as her faith and love for God got stronger as she knew her life was soon ending. 


For so long I have been thinking so much on the negative that had happened last year.  So focused on the pain and heartache I endured.  Instead of realizing that I would have gone through it no matter what the outcome.  


I am so glad that I do not get a choice in what comes my way.  I know that if I were to choose what happened in my life at all times, nothing bad or sad or hurtful would ever happen to me.  But that is just not the world we live in.  Because of sin, we live in a dieing world.  We are not perfect and because of that, hurt, sadness, and tears happen. 


But the good news is, nothing catches God by surprise.  He knows what will happen.  He is prepared for whatever comes ahead of us and if we trust in Him, He will carry us through.  He doesn't just help us through or go with us, but He will pick us up and carry us through if we let Him. 


 “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”  
John 16:33