Wow... It's been a long time.

It sure has been a long time since my last post.  Christmas has come and gone and so has the new year.  I kept telling myself how I need to post on here, but then I just couldn't do it.  

This Christmas was a bit difficult to say the least.  With being pregnant and all the "morning" sickness and all the emotional stuff of thinking of Audrey, Marilyn and my miscarriage.  Then the boys getting sick Christmas weekend.  I pretty much lived on the couch with them.  

This year, I am determined to do better in a lot of areas.  First being my Bible reading.  I really had to dig deep these past few weeks and examine myself.  I have to be honest with myself and with God.  I just have let my relationship with Him go by the way side.  I am not proud of it, I do not like it.  I still very much love God and want to be close to Him.  But I let everything that was going on in my life get in the way.  

I started the year reading the book of John.  I am glad God had me go there first this year.  I read through all of Jesus' miracles.  It encouraged me and helped me so much.  I know God can and will do miracles in my life if I let Him.  They may not be my idea of what I think I deserve or want, but there is the problem.  Why do we think we deserve miracles?  Why do we think we should get what we want?  Goodness me!  I think it is time I stop thinking of me, myself and I.  

I am privileged to be carrying a precious little one, a soul, a person inside of me.  This is a miracle in itself. :)  

God is good.  I will have hope!

Have you ever been convicted?

I have to start out by saying I love church.  It is amazing how God uses men to convict our hearts to do more, be more and love Him more. I have been chewing on something since Sunday.  For Sunday School we have been watching a series of videos about creation and the lie of evolution.  The speaker was talking about dinosaurs and then this verse came up.  
Eph 5:33  Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  
 I don't remember how that all connected.  But I do know that a "WOW" went right through me.  I have seen this verse and read this verse and even been taught on this verse.  But wow, what a smack in the face.  It really took hold in my heart.  My thoughts since this verse came into my head have only been on this.  

So here is the deal... Lets learn how to REVERENCE our husbands. 

First we need to learn what Reverence means. 

1. Fear mingled with respect and esteem; veneration.

2. An act of respect or obeisance; a bow or courtesy.

Revere: To regard with fear mingled with respect and affection; to venerate; to reverence; to honor in estimation.

Definition of VENERATION

1. respect or awe inspired by the dignity, wisdom, dedication, or talent of a person 

 

Then we need to realize that this is how we are supposed to treat God... 

Psa 89:7  God is greatly to be feared in the assembly of the saints, and to be had in reverence of all them that are about him. 

 

Heb 12:9  Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?

Heb 12:28, 29  Wherefore we receiving a kingdom which cannot be moved, let us have grace, whereby we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear:  For our God is a consuming fire.

So this is really clear.  We should hold God above all else.  Being completely honest I have struggled with this.  I have been demanding, complaining, and rude (plus many other things) to my God the last few months.  I am so glad my God is patient and loving.  I do not deserve it, but He gives it anyway. 


And now we get back to the point:  Reverence toward your husband.  


I need to realize that if I do not have the right attitude toward my heavenly Father, I cannot have the right attitude toward my husband.  


I have to be honest in saying I am also guilty of not having the right attitude toward my husband.  I argue, fuss and fight with him and treat him like I treat my children at times.  It's just not right.  It is something I am working on.  I want my husband to feel loved, cherished, respected, esteemed and reverenced.  I want him to know I am proud to be called his wife and the mother of his children.



God has commanded us to reverence our husbands.  It doesn't really matter whether we feel on that given day that he deserves it or not.  The only person I have control over is myself and therefore I have control over if I obey God and do what He says.  A lot of the time I can help or hurt my marriage just by doing or not doing this one thing.  My husband deserves my reverence because God says so.

A promise from God

Hello there... It has been a long while since I added something to this blog.  This post has been on my mind for a while now and it will be a hard one, so that is why I am just now writing it. I am going to be very honest and open about the last few months with the struggles and trials I have been dealing with.  


April 2011...
I remember telling my Pastor's wife (and very good friend) that I did not want the trial of my miscarriage to change me and make me bitter.  But that is exactly what happened, not as a result of my miscarriage but because of the things that followed.  


My beautiful niece was born on April 30th 2011.  She was gorgeous and I had the privilege to be there when she was born and take her first photographs.  I was happy and yet sad at the same time.  I remember thinking that I am going to miss out on this with my own baby. But I wouldn't let myself dwell on it because I was so happy to see this little one and hold her.  I wanted to be with her every second.  I went to the hospital the next day to see her with the boys and my hubby.  The boys fell in love with her.  Shaun and I had the same ideas of how we were going to be the best auntie and uncle.  She was going to wrap us around her little finger. 


My sister Felicia and baby Audrey get to go home the next morning.  We had a busy day and I knew she needed to have some time to settle in with a new baby so I waited till Tuesday to stop by and see them.  I got to go over and spend an hour holding and visiting Audrey and Felicia. And then it was time to go.  I came home and had a good night until I got a phone call from my dad an 9pm.  I was going to ignore it, but my dad never calls that late at night. He has to be up so early for work, he is usually in bed by 6pm.  So I answered and heard the most horrible new... Audrey had stopped breathing.  My world just stopped and my heart fell. 


A moment of panic and hysteria and I was off to the hospital.  As I got off the freeway, I saw an ambulance coming down the street.  I knew it was Audrey.  I followed it to the hospital.  I was the first one there and I was not leaving till my sister and the rest of the family was there.  I saw her for a moment and the doctors had me wait in the waiting room so they could get her stabilized.  I always have a new testament in my purse.  I did a lot of praying and reading.  I cried a lot and begged God to heal her and that nothing would be wrong.  


They got her stabilized and I was able to go see her.  The nurse gave me a heads up about the tubes that she had all over her and what was going on.  She was so little and helpless.  She needed a lot of help and I had lots of questions about what we were looking at for her treatment. It was 1:30am before my mom and sister were able to arrive because the police had lots of questions.  Which we later found out that she should have been allowed to go to the hospital right away.  I sat with my mom and Felicia for a few more hours and we cried and I held my sister.  I had to leave because my husband needed to be at work. I got home about 5am. I got a few hours of sleep and then got up, called Rebekah (my pastor's wife) which said she could keep them for a few days and by 10am I was back at the hospital. 


We set up shop in a family waiting room.  We all lived there for 3 days, but it seemed like forever.  I wanted to be there for every moment.  I didn't leave except to take a shower, I didn't sleep.  Every time the doctor came in he didn't have good news.  She had lots of tests done.  On Thursday they declared her brain dead.  Thursday night our Pastor came and anointed her with oil.  We prayed and had a time of fellowship.  My husband was able to stay the night with me at the hospital.  In the state of Nevada they do a second test 24 hours after the first one and if the test remains the same, they would take her off the machines.  On Friday they repeated the test.  The results where the same.  


We were approached by organ donation and knew that was the right and best thing to do. They would keep her heart going till they got her ready for the surgery.  We would have at least another 24 hours with her.  Visitors came and then they went.  We all decided to go home on Friday night exhausted and needing some sleep.  


Saturday came and my heart broke.  I had never had a broken heart.  It was like my insides where being torn in half.  I cried so hard I almost passed out.  We went to the hospital and spent our last minutes with Audrey.  She was then wheeled to the surgery room and we followed her till they wouldn't let us.  We said our goodbyes and let her go.  


We then had to start planning a funeral and all that comes with that.  


After that I was numb.  I couldn't cry.  I was on overload.  Just getting up to do normal things became my focus. 


A month later...
And then I got a call.  My best friend's mother was declining fast.  Her cancer had finally taken its tole.  I waited as long as I could before going down because I just couldn't handle any more.  My mom went with me.  It was a Wed, June 1st.  We got to my friends home about 1:30pm.  My friend arrived home at 3pm.  Marilyn went to her heavenly home shortly after that.  And then I started planning her memorial.  We expected and had been awaiting her death.  But that does not make it easier. 


June, July, August... I was in a fog.  I got bitter... I got upset with anyone and everyone that had an excuse for anything.  I yelled a lot.  I took it out on my family.  I let God know how upset I was with what He let happen.  


Through all this I felt horrible.  Mentally I was not myself.  I was having a really hard time.  I know part of it was the fact that my hormones where still adjusting from the miscarriage and with all the emotional overload it had intensified everything I was feeling.  When I was angry, I was really angry.  


A few things I did not do that would have helped me: Staying faithful to my Bible reading, eating healthy, good sleeping habits, and working out.


Things I did do that helped me get through the fog:  Staying faithful to Church.  Keeping busy raising my kids.  Being honest with myself and my family about what I was going through.  Having someone to talk to that had been through a similar situation.  Doing the things I knew I needed to do but in no way wanted to do.  And the thing that helped most is being in prayer to God, being honest with Him because He already knew what I was thinking and feeling.  


I have not seen all that God has in store for us through this trial.  But I am starting to feel better.  I am starting to feel like myself again.  The pain is still there and I shed tears often.  There is something missing here in this little part of the world.  But I have hope... That hope is because I know a Saviour that shed His blood so that we would see our loved ones again.  He has given me a promise  "That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:15.  


Two Sundays ago I was able to lead one of our teenage girls to the Lord.  We had been waiting for the day that this young lady would accept Christ as her Saviour for months now.  She had so many questions.  She was not sure that the "whosoever" in the Bible meant her too.  What a sweet day that was to open my Bible and let God use me to help someone know for sure they have a home in heaven.  If you are not 100% sure you will go to heaven when you leave this world for eternity... please ask me.  I can show you what the Bible says about this subject.  It is simple and clearly explained through the Word of God.


Here are some photos. You may have a hard time with some of them. Please do not judge me because I am posting them. 

Strength!

I was reading my Bible last night and was reflecting on the things God has allowed in my life these past few weeks.  It seems that the more time that goes by, the more I feel emotional and erratic. I know that this will be an ongoing issue in my life but it is still hard to process the difficult times in our lives. 

When I think about having a miscarriage and then also having to go through the last days of someones life that is dear to my heart, I ask myself how is the right way to deal with it, is there a right way, should I and could I be dealing with it different?  Or maybe I am just over analyzing this whole thing and just need to let myself feel the emotion and pain. What is the right thing to do?

This is what I have come up with: God is love!
I was reading Acts 3 and something clicked...
In this passage we see Peter and John going to go into the Temple and they come across a lame man.  He asks Peter and John for some money and this is what happens:

Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk. And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and 

ancle bones received strength. 

Acts 3:6,7

This passage spoke to my heart.  God took this man from weakness and made him strong.  We all have times of weakness (I know I do).  But God is our strength. God took this man where he was, He took him by the hand in the condition he was in and not because of an expected outcome. God also lifted him up.  God did not wait for the man to stand on his own.  He picked him up and set him on his feet. And then the miracle happened, God strengthened this man. 

Don't you see... This is what God does with us too...
He holds my hand when I am weak.
He lifts me up when I am weak.
He strengthens me when I am weak. 

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.  

2 Corinthians 12:9,10 

Paul is talking about his own weakness and how God used his weakness to show him that God is enough.  He is enough for all of us.  When we are weak, God's love shines through.  He is able to work in our lives like never before. But this is the best part, He is with us the whole way.  

I also had one more word catch my eye... Beautiful. 

And a certain man lame from his mother's womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful,...

Acts 3:2a

Coincidence? I think not.  He was placed by the gate that was named Beautiful.  I looked at this and tears came to my eyes.  I truly believe God finds our shortcomings, our faults, our handicaps as Beautiful.  His Glory and Grace shine through them.  I am not perfect (if I was, I would not be in an imperfect world), but I chose to be a light that will be used for His honor and His glory no matter what trials or burdens may enter in. God is love!

I Give You a Little of My Heart

It has been a long while since my last post and I wanted to share a little of my heart with you all.  I do not like to write a blog about just anything, so I wait for inspiration and the loving words of God to come to me.  So when things come into my life, I wait for God to teach me something and that God wants me to share that with you.  I wait till God says write.  And then I do. 

These last few weeks have been trying and emotional.  As I reflect on them I can't be more grateful for the love of God.  It is amazing how God gives you that special peace in difficult times.  In the past few weeks I went through the process of the miscarriage of our third child.  And this process is still ongoing. 

I want to share with you what I have learned so far from this time in my life.  This will be a learning process as time goes on and I am so grateful for that.  First off I want to tell you I am OK!  Not that I am great or fantastic or depressed or a mess (which I may be all of those at some point during this time in my life) but I am OK! 

Today was a blessed day.  God knew what I needed and He gave it to me.  He gave me exactly what I needed.  I got to hear some amazing men get up and Preach the Word of God in a way that moved me and showed me the Love of God.  My husband preached about the faithfulness of God.  He has been faithful to me every day of my life.  And then I got to hear my Pastor preach a message on being content.  I can truthfully say that I am very content with my life at this moment.  Now to be honest, tomorrow that may change.  But through the words these men were saying, I knew God was speaking directly to me.  And it was amazing.


This is what God has shown me in the past few weeks:   

Philippians 4:7  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  

God's peace cannot be matched.  Everything in this world is temporary.  Good times come and hard times come, but the peace of God is understanding that He is right there with you, going through everything with you.  His peace is understanding that He loves you so very much. 

Romans 8:39  Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Ephesians 3:19  And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

  

For a few moments last week all I could think of was what did I do wrong for this to happen to me?  Do I deserve to have more children?  Well... I put that out of my brain real quick.  I know the love of God.  He does not zap you because of something in your past.  If you are His child, He has already forgiven you.  He loves you unconditionally.  Yes, we may all have hard and difficult times, but my faith tells me that everything will work out in His timing.  His grace is sufficient. 

2 Corinthians 12:9  And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

If this world was perfect, we wouldn't have hard times or sadness, hurt or heartache.  But this world is not perfect because we are not perfect.  The valleys come and go and the mountain tops come and go but God stays right by our sides.  He listens to me complain, He holds me when I cry, He laughs when I say silly things, He rejoices when I trust in Him.  

I am amazed at the love of God.  His love is unmatched by anything this world can offer.  His love sent His Son to die on an old rugged cross for me.  If I was the only person on the earth when Jesus, the sinless Son of God, walked it, He would still have taken my punishment on Himself.  Why would God send His Son to die for my sin if He didn't love me?  

I feel His love toward me.  My desire is to share that love with amazing young ladies and women because He said you are worth it.  And you are!

 

When we found out we were pregnant we thought it would be great fun to surprise the boys and take them to Build A Bear.  It is great fun for the boys to do this.  Before we went in, I asked them if they would like to create an animal for their new baby.  They looked sad and replied, but we want one too... It was too cute and I knew what the response was going to be.  So I told them that if they pick one out for the baby, they could get one for themselves as well.  This is the bear they chose.  They named her Gumdrop.  It's little things like this that lets me know God loves me.

Friendship!

I have been thinking of the blessing of friendship lately and how I can be a better friend to others. And this is what came to mind...

Friends are a gift from God, but just as the slogan of a well liked Peanut Butter says, "Choosy Mom's Choose Jif," Choosy people Choose their friends. 

I love to make new friends and be a friend, but there are certain things that lead to a successful life.  One of those things are going to be your friends. 

A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.  

 Pro 18:24  

These friends that we are choosing should show themselves worthy to be your friend just as you need to show them you are worthy of being a friend.  

 Here are a few more things God has to say about friends:

Pro 17:17(a)  A friend loveth at all times

Pro 27:6  Faithful are the wounds of a friend

Pro 27:17  Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.  

Ok... So, from these verses we see that (A) a friend should love you know matter what, you should love your friends no matter what with all their imperfections and their human issues. (B) A friend will tell you the TRUTH!  When someone is trying to be a friend and help you grow at the same time, let them and when you need to help a friend grow, be kind and loving while doing it.  (C)  Your friends should make you feel good about yourself, you should make your friends feel good about themselves.  

God has given us the great gift of friendship... 

Be a good friend,

And choose good friends. 

Something to think about:

Exo 33:11  And the LORD spake unto Moses face to face,

as a man speaketh unto his friend.

This verse makes my heart so happy.  God is the greatest friend you will ever have.  All the things I wrote up there, God is the master of it. 

A Good Listener.

Being a good listener is something we all need to work on.  Especially me.  I am horrible at being a good listener.  God on the other hand is a great listener.  He loves to listen to His children. 

The LORD hath heard my supplication; 

the LORD will receive my prayer. 

Psalm 6:9

Listening is a skill we are not born with.  It is something that takes many years to accomplish.  It needs to be worked on and practiced.  

From the time we are born we are selfish and believe that our voice is the only one that should be heard.  Over the childhood years we learn that the world does not revolve around us.  And when we are adults we find out that we do not need to give our opinion every time we want to.  

Being a good listener is an area that God can show us how to do very well if we would listen to Him.  

 Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah. 

Psalm 4:4

Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

Psalm 46:10

The number one way we can learn how to be a good listener is to be still.  

BE STILL and Listen to your parents, 

BE STILL and Listen to your teachers, 

BE STILL and Listen to your Pastor, 

BE STILL and Listen to your Elders, 

BE STILL and Listen to GOD!  

And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.

1 Kings 19:11,12

God has a still small voice, calling to us.  He is there whispering to us, waiting for us to listen to Him.  If we do not make a point to BE STILL, we will never hear the calling of God or the warning of the Holy Spirit or our parents.  We will not be able to grow to be good student or a good worker.  We will not be able to be a good friend or a helper to someone in need.  We will not become good parents or good wives.  

God has really been working on me with this.  I am a horrible listener, but I am working on it.  I am trying to become a better listener and in doing this I will become a better friend, wife, mother, helper, disciple, witness, worker, daughter, sister, and child of the King. 

My job is not to tell you how much I know but to show how much I can learn and maybe you will want to do the same.