A promise from God

Hello there... It has been a long while since I added something to this blog.  This post has been on my mind for a while now and it will be a hard one, so that is why I am just now writing it. I am going to be very honest and open about the last few months with the struggles and trials I have been dealing with.  


April 2011...
I remember telling my Pastor's wife (and very good friend) that I did not want the trial of my miscarriage to change me and make me bitter.  But that is exactly what happened, not as a result of my miscarriage but because of the things that followed.  


My beautiful niece was born on April 30th 2011.  She was gorgeous and I had the privilege to be there when she was born and take her first photographs.  I was happy and yet sad at the same time.  I remember thinking that I am going to miss out on this with my own baby. But I wouldn't let myself dwell on it because I was so happy to see this little one and hold her.  I wanted to be with her every second.  I went to the hospital the next day to see her with the boys and my hubby.  The boys fell in love with her.  Shaun and I had the same ideas of how we were going to be the best auntie and uncle.  She was going to wrap us around her little finger. 


My sister Felicia and baby Audrey get to go home the next morning.  We had a busy day and I knew she needed to have some time to settle in with a new baby so I waited till Tuesday to stop by and see them.  I got to go over and spend an hour holding and visiting Audrey and Felicia. And then it was time to go.  I came home and had a good night until I got a phone call from my dad an 9pm.  I was going to ignore it, but my dad never calls that late at night. He has to be up so early for work, he is usually in bed by 6pm.  So I answered and heard the most horrible new... Audrey had stopped breathing.  My world just stopped and my heart fell. 


A moment of panic and hysteria and I was off to the hospital.  As I got off the freeway, I saw an ambulance coming down the street.  I knew it was Audrey.  I followed it to the hospital.  I was the first one there and I was not leaving till my sister and the rest of the family was there.  I saw her for a moment and the doctors had me wait in the waiting room so they could get her stabilized.  I always have a new testament in my purse.  I did a lot of praying and reading.  I cried a lot and begged God to heal her and that nothing would be wrong.  


They got her stabilized and I was able to go see her.  The nurse gave me a heads up about the tubes that she had all over her and what was going on.  She was so little and helpless.  She needed a lot of help and I had lots of questions about what we were looking at for her treatment. It was 1:30am before my mom and sister were able to arrive because the police had lots of questions.  Which we later found out that she should have been allowed to go to the hospital right away.  I sat with my mom and Felicia for a few more hours and we cried and I held my sister.  I had to leave because my husband needed to be at work. I got home about 5am. I got a few hours of sleep and then got up, called Rebekah (my pastor's wife) which said she could keep them for a few days and by 10am I was back at the hospital. 


We set up shop in a family waiting room.  We all lived there for 3 days, but it seemed like forever.  I wanted to be there for every moment.  I didn't leave except to take a shower, I didn't sleep.  Every time the doctor came in he didn't have good news.  She had lots of tests done.  On Thursday they declared her brain dead.  Thursday night our Pastor came and anointed her with oil.  We prayed and had a time of fellowship.  My husband was able to stay the night with me at the hospital.  In the state of Nevada they do a second test 24 hours after the first one and if the test remains the same, they would take her off the machines.  On Friday they repeated the test.  The results where the same.  


We were approached by organ donation and knew that was the right and best thing to do. They would keep her heart going till they got her ready for the surgery.  We would have at least another 24 hours with her.  Visitors came and then they went.  We all decided to go home on Friday night exhausted and needing some sleep.  


Saturday came and my heart broke.  I had never had a broken heart.  It was like my insides where being torn in half.  I cried so hard I almost passed out.  We went to the hospital and spent our last minutes with Audrey.  She was then wheeled to the surgery room and we followed her till they wouldn't let us.  We said our goodbyes and let her go.  


We then had to start planning a funeral and all that comes with that.  


After that I was numb.  I couldn't cry.  I was on overload.  Just getting up to do normal things became my focus. 


A month later...
And then I got a call.  My best friend's mother was declining fast.  Her cancer had finally taken its tole.  I waited as long as I could before going down because I just couldn't handle any more.  My mom went with me.  It was a Wed, June 1st.  We got to my friends home about 1:30pm.  My friend arrived home at 3pm.  Marilyn went to her heavenly home shortly after that.  And then I started planning her memorial.  We expected and had been awaiting her death.  But that does not make it easier. 


June, July, August... I was in a fog.  I got bitter... I got upset with anyone and everyone that had an excuse for anything.  I yelled a lot.  I took it out on my family.  I let God know how upset I was with what He let happen.  


Through all this I felt horrible.  Mentally I was not myself.  I was having a really hard time.  I know part of it was the fact that my hormones where still adjusting from the miscarriage and with all the emotional overload it had intensified everything I was feeling.  When I was angry, I was really angry.  


A few things I did not do that would have helped me: Staying faithful to my Bible reading, eating healthy, good sleeping habits, and working out.


Things I did do that helped me get through the fog:  Staying faithful to Church.  Keeping busy raising my kids.  Being honest with myself and my family about what I was going through.  Having someone to talk to that had been through a similar situation.  Doing the things I knew I needed to do but in no way wanted to do.  And the thing that helped most is being in prayer to God, being honest with Him because He already knew what I was thinking and feeling.  


I have not seen all that God has in store for us through this trial.  But I am starting to feel better.  I am starting to feel like myself again.  The pain is still there and I shed tears often.  There is something missing here in this little part of the world.  But I have hope... That hope is because I know a Saviour that shed His blood so that we would see our loved ones again.  He has given me a promise  "That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:15.  


Two Sundays ago I was able to lead one of our teenage girls to the Lord.  We had been waiting for the day that this young lady would accept Christ as her Saviour for months now.  She had so many questions.  She was not sure that the "whosoever" in the Bible meant her too.  What a sweet day that was to open my Bible and let God use me to help someone know for sure they have a home in heaven.  If you are not 100% sure you will go to heaven when you leave this world for eternity... please ask me.  I can show you what the Bible says about this subject.  It is simple and clearly explained through the Word of God.


Here are some photos. You may have a hard time with some of them. Please do not judge me because I am posting them.