Michael Emmett Traynor

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel emotional and a bit sensitive and you aren't sure why?  Today was one of those days.  After a busy weekend and knowing there is a messy home to clean, school to start and children to take care of and meals to prepare, you get so busy trying to get things done, you forget what today is. February 20, 2004 was a difficult day.  Michael Emmett Traynor was taken from this world. 

A few weeks after this day we got the news that the day before his death, he accepted the gift of Jesus and we were given the hope that we will see him again.  Praise the Lord.  God is so good. 

It has been 8 years since that day.  We have had so much go on in our lives since this day.  The best thing that came from this event in our lives, We are serving the Lord!  We have seen many people come to know the saving grace that Mike took hold of the day before his death.  Amazing!

I want to tell you about this man.  I am so blessed that I got to know Mike.  He is one of those people that you know is special.  He had this way of making me feel special and wonderful.  He was kind and loving and accepting.  He always made me feel important and would listen to my opinions and never made me feel stupid or crazy for having them.  

A few weeks before Mike went to Heaven, we got to have a moment to ourselves.  There were other people in the room, but for that moment, it was just us two.  I was trying to stay strong and keep a smile on my face.  He called me over to him and he gave me the warmest most loving hug.  As he held on to me and let me cry he whispered to me, "It's going to be alright Sunshine."  (He would always call me princess or sunshine).  At that moment I felt a love that only a father can give a daughter.  
The photo above is one that hangs in my house.  I love looking at it.  It is so much him and his real smile. His eyes would light up when he smiled. 
Sometimes I think of what it would be like to have him here with us.  How he would love on the boys and play with them. How he would come over and just enjoy them. To talk to him about politics and everything going on these days. HAHA!  It brings a smile to my face thinking of all this.  And I cannot wait to be with him and others we love again. :)

Wow, My baby is growing up!

Have you ever looked at your child and went "wow, my baby is growing up!" ?  I have moments like that frequently.  I think being pregnant now is also making those thoughts more real to me.  I look at Thomas and James and remember holding them when they were born and watching them grow over the years. 
I can't wait to see these boys hold their baby brother, see how they react to him.  When I had James, Thomas was only 2. This is totally different.  I remember my mom being pregnant with my baby brother, Iain.  I remember holding him in the hospital.  I was 4 1/2 at the time.  I have even more memories of when Felicia was born.  At that time I was 8.  So I know the boys are going to have memories too. 

Here are some photos I took recently of the boys :)

These were taken before their haircuts. :)  I love it when they look a bit scruffy.  I need to take some more since I cut their hair recently.  
My babies are growing up and sometimes I wish I could go back and hold them again as little babies. :)  I remember holding them for hours as I just watched them.  Those memories are the only things I have now.  But Wow! how time flies. :) By the time this little one comes, I will have a 7 year old and an almost 5 year old.

It's A Boy!!!

Yes... We are having another boy.  I have to be honest... Not what I was hoping for or expecting.  I was hoping for a pink dress shopping experience.  I wont get that this time (we are not sure if we are "trying again for a girl," so no need to even go there. LOL!  We will take one child or pregnancy at a time. HAHA.  And if we try again, I think I will just expect another boy.  
I was a bit sad and had an emotional moment when I found out.  The ultrasound techs were not so friendly and were a bit snobbish when it came to things.  We get to the office and I sign in.  They call me back (I had invited Felicia and my parents to come with) and would only let one other person go back with me.  I begged for them to let Shaun and Thomas go with me.  Thomas wanted to see pictures of the baby.  
So, we go back get started and the techs say nothing.  Wont share any info.  The baby is moving like crazy.  Maybe feeling my anxiousness.  They wait till the very end to even do gender.  I told Thomas everything we were seeing.  I was a ball of fluster and just wanted to know the gender of the baby.  It was pretty annoying.  Going through 2 of these before and having more talkative techs made this one not so fun.  Oh well... Baby is healthy (as far as I know) and growing.  One of the techs did tell me that baby is measuring at about 11 oz.  Which is a little bigger than the norm.  But all my babies have looked bigger than they were.  
I have my next appointment on March 5th (I think).  We should be able to find out more info from the Dr.  
I am feeling baby move a lot more now.  At least once a day I am able to sit and feel the little guy move.  This is really exciting for me.  :)

And the week is only Half Done?!?!

Ok... So, I just have to brag a bit on God today.  I know you all have read and seen what last year was like, so I am done posting about it.  But I think it is funny how when you give something to God all the way, He loves to remind you how much He loves and cares for you. :)  

Wow.  What a week.  Since Saturday I have been having such a blessed week.  

Saturday we had a Church CPR awareness class for all the nursery and youth workers.  Since I help in the nursery and also with the Jr. Church and with the Teenagers, I needed to be there.  They purchased a DVD set with a few practice dummies so we could learn the basics of CPR.  I have been certified in the past so it was more of a refresher.  But it was good.  

The first video started off with a story about a baby that had stopped breathing a couple days after she was born.  I held back the tears.  That baby girl survived.  When it came to practicing on the little baby dummy, I broke down and cried.  It was a bit intense.  After a few moments I was able to practice CPR and then I sat down in my chair.  After that I had a good time and fellowshipped and laughed with my friends.  

I think this was a bit therapeutic.  It helped me to see things a little different. 

Later that day we had some friends over for dinner and had such a good time. :)  I love having people over to my house.  It is such a blessing for me to cook for others.  We have not had people over in a while due to my "morning" sickness (so glad that is over).  I am blessed with some pretty awesome friends. 


So, on to Sunday.  I love Sundays.  I had not been able to go to church the previous 2 weeks due to children being sick.  So glad they are all better.  What a blessing it was to be in Jr. church with my hubby.  We have so much fun doing ministries together.  


Then we had the Super Bowl party at our clubhouse and had such a good time.  I was not feeling super because I guess I caught one of the bugs my kids or someone else had.  But I just got to sit and enjoy everyone else.  So many people helped to get things set up and then clean up.  I didn't have to do much of anything.  What a blessing to me.  So, THANK YOU! to everyone that helped, I know who you are and you are super awesome. :) 


Then Monday comes and all I can say is God is so good!  A wonderful and amazing person stopped by to give us gifts from God.  She dropped off pork chops, tomatoes, a roast, frozen waffles, sausage, oranges, avocados, garlic, eggs and a ham and a gift card (I know I am forgetting something). OH MY SOUL!  All I could think was someone more deserving should be getting this. But my God decided I would get it. :)  

Then we got to go to the Baby Dr. :)  Baby is growing healthy and strong.  My boys got to go with and got to hear the heartbeat.  Thomas thought it was the coolest thing ever.  He kept making the swooshing noise like the doppler makes.  The Dr. had him listen to my heartbeat and babies so he could hear the difference. :)  I am starting to feel movements almost daily.

WOW!  What an amazing week so far... But that is not the end. 


The first Tuesday of each month is TLC- Touching Ladies for Christ.  Our Pastor's wife, Rebekah puts this together to encourage the ladies of SVBC.  I love this time with the other ladies of our church.  They are all amazing and wonderful.  You get to know each other on a deeper level at this Bible study.  I also got to tell a little bit about my testimony.  I cried of course. LOL!  I talked a little bit about growing up, meeting and marrying my hubby and then about last year.  I revealed a lot of my struggles which most of it I had never said out loud before.  I kept it inside for so long.  I think it benefited me more than anyone else to be real and honest with these women whom I have come to love and become such good friends with.


Then today comes... I am still not feeling well, but I don't want it to keep me down.  I am really trying to keep up with housework and such.  I don't want to just lay around anymore. LOL!  I was checking my email, paying some bills and then I hear a car pull up...  And then the blessings just kept coming through the door.  More food blessings... What?!?!  I was thinking today, I really want mashed potatoes (none in the house) but I was prepared to stop at the store for a few spuds, but now I don't have too.  Plus so much more that I am just amazed.  I don't even know where to put it.  I am just overwhelmed with emotion.  I can't even explain it.  I don't even know what to say.  


What a week... And only half done?!  God, You are so good! 

...my cup runneth over. Psalm 23:5

Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. Mal 3:10 

Wow... It's been a long time.

It sure has been a long time since my last post.  Christmas has come and gone and so has the new year.  I kept telling myself how I need to post on here, but then I just couldn't do it.  

This Christmas was a bit difficult to say the least.  With being pregnant and all the "morning" sickness and all the emotional stuff of thinking of Audrey, Marilyn and my miscarriage.  Then the boys getting sick Christmas weekend.  I pretty much lived on the couch with them.  

This year, I am determined to do better in a lot of areas.  First being my Bible reading.  I really had to dig deep these past few weeks and examine myself.  I have to be honest with myself and with God.  I just have let my relationship with Him go by the way side.  I am not proud of it, I do not like it.  I still very much love God and want to be close to Him.  But I let everything that was going on in my life get in the way.  

I started the year reading the book of John.  I am glad God had me go there first this year.  I read through all of Jesus' miracles.  It encouraged me and helped me so much.  I know God can and will do miracles in my life if I let Him.  They may not be my idea of what I think I deserve or want, but there is the problem.  Why do we think we deserve miracles?  Why do we think we should get what we want?  Goodness me!  I think it is time I stop thinking of me, myself and I.  

I am privileged to be carrying a precious little one, a soul, a person inside of me.  This is a miracle in itself. :)  

God is good.  I will have hope!

Have you ever been convicted?

I have to start out by saying I love church.  It is amazing how God uses men to convict our hearts to do more, be more and love Him more. I have been chewing on something since Sunday.  For Sunday School we have been watching a series of videos about creation and the lie of evolution.  The speaker was talking about dinosaurs and then this verse came up.  
Eph 5:33  Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  
 I don't remember how that all connected.  But I do know that a "WOW" went right through me.  I have seen this verse and read this verse and even been taught on this verse.  But wow, what a smack in the face.  It really took hold in my heart.  My thoughts since this verse came into my head have only been on this.  

So here is the deal... Lets learn how to REVERENCE our husbands. 

First we need to learn what Reverence means. 

1. Fear mingled with respect and esteem; veneration.

2. An act of respect or obeisance; a bow or courtesy.

Revere: To regard with fear mingled with respect and affection; to venerate; to reverence; to honor in estimation.

Definition of VENERATION

1. respect or awe inspired by the dignity, wisdom, dedication, or talent of a person 

 

Then we need to realize that this is how we are supposed to treat God... 

Psa 89:7  God is greatly to be feared in the assembly of the saints, and to be had in reverence of all them that are about him. 

 

Heb 12:9  Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?

Heb 12:28, 29  Wherefore we receiving a kingdom which cannot be moved, let us have grace, whereby we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear:  For our God is a consuming fire.

So this is really clear.  We should hold God above all else.  Being completely honest I have struggled with this.  I have been demanding, complaining, and rude (plus many other things) to my God the last few months.  I am so glad my God is patient and loving.  I do not deserve it, but He gives it anyway. 


And now we get back to the point:  Reverence toward your husband.  


I need to realize that if I do not have the right attitude toward my heavenly Father, I cannot have the right attitude toward my husband.  


I have to be honest in saying I am also guilty of not having the right attitude toward my husband.  I argue, fuss and fight with him and treat him like I treat my children at times.  It's just not right.  It is something I am working on.  I want my husband to feel loved, cherished, respected, esteemed and reverenced.  I want him to know I am proud to be called his wife and the mother of his children.



God has commanded us to reverence our husbands.  It doesn't really matter whether we feel on that given day that he deserves it or not.  The only person I have control over is myself and therefore I have control over if I obey God and do what He says.  A lot of the time I can help or hurt my marriage just by doing or not doing this one thing.  My husband deserves my reverence because God says so.

A promise from God

Hello there... It has been a long while since I added something to this blog.  This post has been on my mind for a while now and it will be a hard one, so that is why I am just now writing it. I am going to be very honest and open about the last few months with the struggles and trials I have been dealing with.  


April 2011...
I remember telling my Pastor's wife (and very good friend) that I did not want the trial of my miscarriage to change me and make me bitter.  But that is exactly what happened, not as a result of my miscarriage but because of the things that followed.  


My beautiful niece was born on April 30th 2011.  She was gorgeous and I had the privilege to be there when she was born and take her first photographs.  I was happy and yet sad at the same time.  I remember thinking that I am going to miss out on this with my own baby. But I wouldn't let myself dwell on it because I was so happy to see this little one and hold her.  I wanted to be with her every second.  I went to the hospital the next day to see her with the boys and my hubby.  The boys fell in love with her.  Shaun and I had the same ideas of how we were going to be the best auntie and uncle.  She was going to wrap us around her little finger. 


My sister Felicia and baby Audrey get to go home the next morning.  We had a busy day and I knew she needed to have some time to settle in with a new baby so I waited till Tuesday to stop by and see them.  I got to go over and spend an hour holding and visiting Audrey and Felicia. And then it was time to go.  I came home and had a good night until I got a phone call from my dad an 9pm.  I was going to ignore it, but my dad never calls that late at night. He has to be up so early for work, he is usually in bed by 6pm.  So I answered and heard the most horrible new... Audrey had stopped breathing.  My world just stopped and my heart fell. 


A moment of panic and hysteria and I was off to the hospital.  As I got off the freeway, I saw an ambulance coming down the street.  I knew it was Audrey.  I followed it to the hospital.  I was the first one there and I was not leaving till my sister and the rest of the family was there.  I saw her for a moment and the doctors had me wait in the waiting room so they could get her stabilized.  I always have a new testament in my purse.  I did a lot of praying and reading.  I cried a lot and begged God to heal her and that nothing would be wrong.  


They got her stabilized and I was able to go see her.  The nurse gave me a heads up about the tubes that she had all over her and what was going on.  She was so little and helpless.  She needed a lot of help and I had lots of questions about what we were looking at for her treatment. It was 1:30am before my mom and sister were able to arrive because the police had lots of questions.  Which we later found out that she should have been allowed to go to the hospital right away.  I sat with my mom and Felicia for a few more hours and we cried and I held my sister.  I had to leave because my husband needed to be at work. I got home about 5am. I got a few hours of sleep and then got up, called Rebekah (my pastor's wife) which said she could keep them for a few days and by 10am I was back at the hospital. 


We set up shop in a family waiting room.  We all lived there for 3 days, but it seemed like forever.  I wanted to be there for every moment.  I didn't leave except to take a shower, I didn't sleep.  Every time the doctor came in he didn't have good news.  She had lots of tests done.  On Thursday they declared her brain dead.  Thursday night our Pastor came and anointed her with oil.  We prayed and had a time of fellowship.  My husband was able to stay the night with me at the hospital.  In the state of Nevada they do a second test 24 hours after the first one and if the test remains the same, they would take her off the machines.  On Friday they repeated the test.  The results where the same.  


We were approached by organ donation and knew that was the right and best thing to do. They would keep her heart going till they got her ready for the surgery.  We would have at least another 24 hours with her.  Visitors came and then they went.  We all decided to go home on Friday night exhausted and needing some sleep.  


Saturday came and my heart broke.  I had never had a broken heart.  It was like my insides where being torn in half.  I cried so hard I almost passed out.  We went to the hospital and spent our last minutes with Audrey.  She was then wheeled to the surgery room and we followed her till they wouldn't let us.  We said our goodbyes and let her go.  


We then had to start planning a funeral and all that comes with that.  


After that I was numb.  I couldn't cry.  I was on overload.  Just getting up to do normal things became my focus. 


A month later...
And then I got a call.  My best friend's mother was declining fast.  Her cancer had finally taken its tole.  I waited as long as I could before going down because I just couldn't handle any more.  My mom went with me.  It was a Wed, June 1st.  We got to my friends home about 1:30pm.  My friend arrived home at 3pm.  Marilyn went to her heavenly home shortly after that.  And then I started planning her memorial.  We expected and had been awaiting her death.  But that does not make it easier. 


June, July, August... I was in a fog.  I got bitter... I got upset with anyone and everyone that had an excuse for anything.  I yelled a lot.  I took it out on my family.  I let God know how upset I was with what He let happen.  


Through all this I felt horrible.  Mentally I was not myself.  I was having a really hard time.  I know part of it was the fact that my hormones where still adjusting from the miscarriage and with all the emotional overload it had intensified everything I was feeling.  When I was angry, I was really angry.  


A few things I did not do that would have helped me: Staying faithful to my Bible reading, eating healthy, good sleeping habits, and working out.


Things I did do that helped me get through the fog:  Staying faithful to Church.  Keeping busy raising my kids.  Being honest with myself and my family about what I was going through.  Having someone to talk to that had been through a similar situation.  Doing the things I knew I needed to do but in no way wanted to do.  And the thing that helped most is being in prayer to God, being honest with Him because He already knew what I was thinking and feeling.  


I have not seen all that God has in store for us through this trial.  But I am starting to feel better.  I am starting to feel like myself again.  The pain is still there and I shed tears often.  There is something missing here in this little part of the world.  But I have hope... That hope is because I know a Saviour that shed His blood so that we would see our loved ones again.  He has given me a promise  "That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:15.  


Two Sundays ago I was able to lead one of our teenage girls to the Lord.  We had been waiting for the day that this young lady would accept Christ as her Saviour for months now.  She had so many questions.  She was not sure that the "whosoever" in the Bible meant her too.  What a sweet day that was to open my Bible and let God use me to help someone know for sure they have a home in heaven.  If you are not 100% sure you will go to heaven when you leave this world for eternity... please ask me.  I can show you what the Bible says about this subject.  It is simple and clearly explained through the Word of God.


Here are some photos. You may have a hard time with some of them. Please do not judge me because I am posting them.